wife isn't attracted to me

she's stated it as such (I appreciate her honesty).  She's too uncomfortable to be with me because of my weight.  I've needed to lose weight but I resent her "rejection" due to my weight-stomach size - therefore I end up sabotaging myself once I get started.  In the past I've consistently been able to lose appx 20lbs and then I fall off the wagon, never making a true lifestyle change.

 

I don't have anything to lose - so I'm back on a program.  I count every calorie - try to get at least 80oz of water each day - at least 25g of fiber and 5 fruits/veggies.  I also run 3 times a week - appx 3 miles each time. 

 

I started @ 220lbs - I'm 5'9 with 30.5% body fat.  I'm not in a hurry to lose the weight - I understand that its a lifestyle change not a diet.  My question is how do I stay motivated when rejection/anger are my main drivers.  We're in counseling - I'm just curious if anyone else is in the boat.  If I have success - then I'm afraid I'll be extremely resentful

The fact that she cares enough to say it shows that she is there for you. Think about it she could cheat and not say anything because she gets satisfaction elsewhere. She could hold it in then resent you, or hold it in resenting herself. Trust me its not easy for her to say this to you she is your wife. I'm sure she loves you and is saying this only because she cares. I wish someone would of had the courage to tell me I was gaining...before I happened to gain so much. My husband and I have had tough conversations before and it is painful, but we plan on being together till we die so we have to be honest. You are so lucky to have an honest woman by yourside...try to think about it that way

(double post)

Hey, I feel for you.

I am not a therapist by any stretch but I am also greatly motivated by anger and rejection (mostly from co-workers, business associates who don't take me seriously and other "skinny" women who sneer at my weight and lack of control)

I have lost almost 50 pounds since January 1st, (now at 199 from 247) it was a new years resolution and regardless of my motivation I am now doing it for myself.  Do I still feel anger , yes.  Do I still feel rejected and disrespected? Yes, but who cares, I'm getting thin and I feel sexy again!!! 

Now don't get me wrong I am not deluded into thinking that all my problems will disappear with the weight.  But my committment to staying within my diet guidleline is a step in the right direction. 

If your wife doesn't desire you physically anymore, I actually highly doubt it has much about the "weight" per se, but perhaps has more to do with a perceived lack of control, lack of commitment and perhaps lack of self esteem on your part, in my opinion,  it is hard to  be "turned on" by someone you don't respect.  Once you get your body back maybe all that will come back again, as mine did? Just a thought. 

Hope it all works out for you both.

yeah, that would bite----and bite hard. 

I feel for you.  My husband has gained 55 pounds since we got married.  He was in GREAT shape when we were dating (but then again, so was I).  I think, as married people, we take each other for granted too often.  For me, my husbands weight isn't as much the issue as the fact that I feel he doesn't care if I find him attractive or not.  But his weight is NOT my issue and I find that if I focus on it then I am really just avoiding my own issues.  You have to get in shape for yourself not for her.  Don't get her issues confused with your issues. 

Also, have you tried getting her turned on? You don't need to answer this but as someone else said, weight is not the only factor in attractiveness. Maybe she is bored of you approaching sex the same old way. If she's basically cut off all intimacy until you lose weight, well, I think that's pretty cruel. While weight IS a big factor in attractiveness, you didn't just poof like this overnight.. she could have said something when she first noticed it getting out of hand.

I think it is not her fault that your being overweight is putting her off.. I think that feelings of rejection/anger may have to do with how she dealt with the situation?

Maybe you could tell her that you are feeling angry and rejected...tell her straight out, or in a note. I thinks he would calm your fears and also try to support you more.

your wife should be motivation enough....i'm on your side buddy..... but...really if she loved ya...she'd ...you know....encourage you more, and workout with you.  I did for my woman...she was like 160 8 years ago, and now she's 125@5'4....

get crackin' and make it happen.

or in the words of Ricky Bobby....Shake and Bake....HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT!!!!!

That is awfully shallow.  There really should be more to a relationship than looking hot.  Love and affection ought to figure in there somewhere.

As other people have stated, you can't lose the weight for her.  But you are obese.  That is going to have an increasingly negative effect on your health (and quite possibly sexual performance) as you get older.  So, research Metabolic Syndrome and other obesity related diseases and picture yourself with heart disease, diabetes and who knows what else at age 50.  These things are probably in your future if you don't lose the weight.  Think about the things you can't do now because of your weight.  And trust me, it is only going to get worse.  Then lose the weight for yourself and the person you want to be, not for her.

dwf

I hate that it is such a double standard in life. If this was a woman writing to us about her husband, every body would be saying what a bastard he is and how if he loved her it shouldn't matter. I have a wonderful husband who loved me at 130 (16 yrs ) and loves me now at 216(30 yrs old). Sure I want to lose weight to feel more attractive to him and I am sure he will appreciate my new stamina LOL but if he wasn't attracted to me because of a little weight gain I would be PISSED, and yes feel VERY REJECTED. I suggest that maybe she has another problem with you like someone said prior because I could not see hurting my husbands feelings that way. losing weight is NOT easy. An especially when someone makes you feel you have to, to win their affections again. What ever happen to LOVE I love my husband and understand that **** happens. We have kids. We get older. We get content. If your appearance means more to her than your health you guys should definitely continue conseling. 

My boyfriend is 5'10 and when I met him he was around 225 at one point he hit 240 and scared himself and made it back around the 220s again. He has a "beer belly" but thats part of what I love about him.  I think something else might be going on with her.  It's good that you guys are going for counseling or whatever--  Get healthy and lose weight and feel sexy for you... and if things work out with her great! if not, you have a hot new bod and more than likely a new found confidence to find a new even better match for you. Maybe I'm a chubby chaser  but I couldn't keep my hands off my man even when his beer belly reached it's biggest point and was pushing me off the couch when we spooned! haha  Good luck!

I suspect I'm going to be flamed for this, but I can see this from his wife's point of view. Love and attraction are two different things. Attraction is a mostly physcial reaction to someone, while love has many factors. We can't really control what we find attractive, no matter how much we may love somebody. If I gained a hundred pounds, I would expect that my boyfriend would still love me, but not necessarily be attracted to me. The same goes for him. There are ways to say as much without being hurtful, of course, and while supporting the person trying to lose the weight.

If this topic were made by a woman, I would tell her the same thing. It's not fair for the spouse. Yes, they should love you and be loyal to you forever.. but if you don't take care of yourself, that shows that you don't care what THEY think and that you don't respect THEM.

Obviously the OP of this thread does care. So that's not the issue.

But to whoever brought up the double standard issue..yes, there is often a double standard, but not in this case.

I think a few people already said this, but try not to think of losing wieght for her.  It's for yourself.  Think of how great you will look and feel when you've lost the weight.  She's your wife and her opinion is important, but it should come down to what YOU want for yourself.

If you're still angry and resentful, you could try channeling your anger into the treadmill.

Also, I think calorie counting is hard to keep up with as a lifestyle choice.  I can't speak from personal experience(I've only been at this for a couple weeks), but I've heard that from a lot of people who know a lot more than I do.  Calorie count is giving me a good idea of how much and what to eat in a day, but I think after I reach my goal I'm going to stop logging in foods and just try to maintain my current diet without it.

 

Like people here have said do it for YOU! And you can do it. You will feel so much better about yourself, I feel bad for the people who are always skinny because they never get to feel the joy of accomplishment when you lose a bunch of weight and you literally feel like a brand-new person.  Once you feel that you won't go back and your wife and others will be attracted to you. But you have to do it for yourself if you think it's for her then you're not ready to be totally committed to this lifestyle change.

 

Good luck man, you can do it.

I think your question was how do you stay motivated when you feel rejection and anger. I think that is a very good question. It is hard to have a spouse/ signifigant other who is too uncomfortable to stay with you because of weight. What exactly does that mean? What is uncomfortable for her? Is she embarassed? Love, to me, any way, is more about loving the person for who they are on the inside not just outwardly. Is she just focusing on appearence and not the special qualities that make you  you? I dont know how you stay motivated through anger and resentment. It hurts and i would just suggest not medicating with food. Also remember that you are an awesome person inside and that she is missing out, if she only sees the outer image.

Try to motivate yourself as doing it for yourself not her. We cant truly change any way unless WE truly want to. And it so much better when you are doing it for you and because you realy want to. Tell your self that YOU deserve a better healthier body!

It's easy for everyone to take sides in a situation like this; love should conquer all, she is being shallow, maybe you aren't confidant enough, maybe she is right etc.  Either way the ball is in your court brother, you either make the choice to change or you don't.  I know if my wife was at 30% body fat I wouldn't touch her, sadly I don't know if I would confront her about it.  Who knows what she would be left thinking?  I think the biggest thing you need to do is get a partner, someone already said to work out with your wife, this may be an option.  If you are older; 30s or so (actually in our society probably early 20s) a lot of your friends are probably in the same boat as you.  If you're  angry and frustrated, turn that energy into something positive!  A diet isn't going to solve your problems; learn to love exercise.  I wish you luck in reaching your goals.

You guys have been great - what an excellent community.  I'm just hitting it and hopefully I'll learn to love exercise.  I can't picture that now.  I'm just doing it.  I know that I need to gain confidence and with that esteem.  I know this is my problem not hers and I appreciate her honesty.  At this point I know I can lose the weight - I have full faith in that - I just can't comprehend the described feelings of satisfaction that come with being healthy.  I just don't see it right now - but I'm definitely going to battle.  Thanks to all

Just because she isn't attracted to you, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

 

Physical attraction is just that.. physical.