I am at wits end!!!!!

Hi all,

I have a huge problem and am looking for some advice. I am the mother of a wonderful 6 year old girl. Here is my problem - I live in a great neighborhood, next door is a girl the same age as my daughter and in back of us is a 7 year old girl perfect huh - NOT. They isolate my daughter on a daily basis. I have never seen 6 year old girls act like this. It has been going on since my little one was 2. My daughter still doesn't understand what they are doing because they have done this for so long she is just used to it. I have talked with the parents. The mother of the 7 year old stated (and I am not kidding) "bully's get further in life when they get older" and the other mom says oh they are just like sisters and that is why they fight.

I cant hide my daughter from this because our backyards all meet up and she sees them outside and wants to go play - then within 5 min she will come in crying. I am sick of taking my daughter out all day so they will not make her feel bad. One can only go to the zoo or park so many days. I even have closed the drapes and turned up the radio or tv loud so she cant hear them. I do join many play dates, but why should I leave my house so they will not hurt her.

She is starting to realize what they are doing and it is hurting her. At school she feels like nobody wants to play with her.

Please help me help my daughter. I can't stand to see her hurt anymore.

This is a bad position for you and your daughter to be in, especially since she is so young. It kind of sounds like it isn't going to get any better....I think you should just tell your daughter to ignore the girls. If she goes out to play, and they are out, to pretend she doesn't see/hear them.

Explain to her that they just aren't nice girls, and she is better off without girls like that as her friends.

What a rough situation...sorry I don't have any better advice. Good luck!

By the way, your daughter is ADORABLE!

You think those girls are awful now ... just wait until they are 12 and 13!  You haven't seen anything until you've dealt with middle school madness.

I know your daughter is young, but have you actually talked to her about the incidents and discussed how she feels about the other girls and their behavior towards her?  Have you asked her why she insists on playing with girls that make her cry?  Are you actually observing the mistreatment or are you just working from your daughter's side of the story?  I have a sensitive daughter who has been prone to being bullied at various points in her childhood and I've always been very vocal with her about negative incidents.  I work with her to help her understand that friends do not say or do mean things to each other.   Not everyone we like is good for us.  Martial arts lessons have also helped my daughter feel more empowered.

If they are physically hurting, I would not allow her to play with them unsupervised.  If the hurting is of the emotional kind, talk her through scenarios where she has to respond to name calling and help mentally prepare herself for this.  It's not easy but she has much larger battles ahead in life and now is the time for you to give her the tools that she needs to suceed. 

I do know very well how pre-teens are. I am afraid that this will carry on with her forever. They all go to the same school.

Yes I talk with her daily. She knows they are mean and the tears in her eyes explains it all. YES I am observing it she is only 6 so I am outside with her at all times. What hurts the most is that she tries to be strong and not cry and her eyes well up. She is not overly sensitive in her emotions.

I think the reason she wants to play with them is because of two reasons. 1. she has been treated like this for so long she is used to it. 2. If it is only one or the other girls they are not as mean (sometimes).

I try not to "parent" other peoples kids, but it has come to that. If their parents are not going to say anything then I will. It sounds silly but one of the moms is actually really nice and we are friends - she just lets her kids do anything they want. I can't stand the other mom even though I put a smile on my face to her everyday because we are neighbors. she thinks her kid does no wrong and this is the worst out of the 2.

Yes it has gotten physical - I put an end to that right away.

Thank you for the tip on martial arts - we tried it and guess what -  the neighbor girl joined our class. So after some research I started her horseback riding and she LOVES it. She is also an irish dancer so we are between dance and the stables 4 days a week and I don't want to overload a 6 year old anymore than she is. In the summer she does golf and play tennis and we normally go to the pool at our club daily, but I don't want to feel I have to run out of my house for my daughter to not get hurt.

Thanks so much to the both of you for your help. It is very appreciated.

Original Post by walnuthill:

..."bully's get further in life when they get older"...

People who stand up to bully's go further.

I know it is a sad state of affairs when your kid has to learn martial arts in order not to be hurt, but that can really help.  With the other girl joining the class, that could make it tough, but it may also help to bring the other girl to respect your daughter more.

The best course of action is pretty much what you are already doing, involving her in other activities away from the other 2 girls. 

Part of talking to your daughter about the other girl's being mean to her is to try to get your daughter to choose not to want to play with them, not by force or commands, but by her understanding that not all people are nice, and she can choose not to play with those that don't respect her and treat her as a friend should.

Easy to say, hard to do.  I wish you and your daughter good luck with it.

Thank you for your support oit. Isn't that terrible for a mother to think like that? The past few days have been very bad. I went to bed hoping for a rainy day so I could have a day off from all this, but it is bright and sunny.

I am sure when they get home from school it will all begin. I am going to approach this differently, I still don't know my plan of action, but like I said I just can't deal with this anymore. After talking to my husband and showing him some research I found on the Internet on emotional bullies he gave me the go ahead to start looking for a new house (sad huh).

On one good note. I went to my trainer this morning and she couldnt believe my drive. I guess I got my frustrations out at the gym.

I'm sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.

Does she ever have other friends over. As in, "real" friends? As long as the 4 of them didn't play together because the other friend may feel pressured to join in on the abuse.

It is a sad state when parents encourage their kids to be bullies and people have to move. Keep in mind though, that moving will take your daughter away from those particular bullies, but unfortunately, bullies can be found in every neighborhood. I really liked advice about getting your daughter involved in something that empowers her- she doesn't have to learn to bully back but to stand up for herself and let others know how they can treat her and how they can't.

So sad that so much falls on such small shoulders.

Some great ideas from everyone.  What I wanted to add is that depending on your situation, it may be good to get her involved in some sort of group, maybe girl scouts, boys and girls club, or something where the focus is more social, not just sports.  This way, she can make friends with normal children outside of these 2 little witches.  Sports of any kind is great and no kid needs to be overloaded like you said.  But it might help to make some friends that she can invite over or go over there place.