Women with children, should I have a baby?

Hi, I'm a 22 yr old woman and I have a fiance and we've been together for almost 3 yrs and we just recently moved in together. I have always said that I didn't want children until I was anywhere from 25-29 but now I've actually been considering getting pregnant. Sooo, I just wanted to know how old were you when you had your first child and would you have waited longer why or why not?

bump

I was 22 years old when my daughter was born.  I was married at the time but the pregnancy was not planned.   I have absolutely no regrets - she is now 26, I am 48 and we have great shopping trips and vacations together! 

I also have 2 sons - ages 14 and 16.   If you do the math, I was 34 and 32 years old when my sons were born.   I find it a little more difficult to keep up with the young people's trends when it comes to the boys but we do have a lot of great times together.  Giving birth when you're 34 is NOT fun -  it took me longer to get back to normal.

There is no perfect time to have a child but, guaranteed is the fact that you will never regret having them no matter what happens. 

Alright, I dont care if this is addressed to women, as a young father I had to chime in. I always wanted to have kids when I was young, that way we can grow up together. I get to spend my 20's and 30's with my kids instead of my 40's and 50's. Both my kids will be in college by the time I am 45, which I think is great.

The biggest issue is finances. At 28, I am not making what I am going to be making when I am 35 or 40. If I would have waited I would have been more financially sound, but in all honesty its not a big deal. The kids dont care what my bank account looks like.

Just be prepared: Daycare right now is $1100 a month for the 2 of them, Florida Prepaid college is another $600 a month, not to mention diapers (2 sizes!), wipes, baby food, formula, doctors bills, time off of work when they're sick, etc.

But it is totally worth it!

I 2nd what Yalcekim says!!

I am going to still be young when my kids are all grown up and moving out with their own lives. I can still do things... travel, etc.

You have to do what's right for you!

I'm in Daytona Yalcekim.... love Florida!!!

Get married.  Both of you need to make a solid, lasting commitment before having children.  You need enough financial stability to insure, as much as you can, security for your family.  Don't bring a child into the world for emotional reasons only.  Do it because you and your partner want and are able to provide for that child in every way until he or she is grown up enough to take care of him/herself. 

When you have a baby, you are commiting to at least 18 years of caring for that child.  There are no vacations and no breaks from this commitment.  You owe that child a loving home and sustinance, and a good education. The baby owes you nothing.  Once you've achieved that and your child is grown, then you are even. 

Think ahead!

I was 22 when my first child was born.  I had my second son 7 years later and my daughter 5 years after that.  I have to say that raising my youngest was much easier.  I had the maturity and experience to know the right things to do. I had 2 broken marriages and raised my youngest daughter alone.  I'm glad I had the maturity and financial stability to see her through college. I was only 40 when she was school age and I had no problem keeping up with her at all, all her life.

I just have to say, getting married isn't always the greatest thing. It's a piece of paper. I was with my husband for 8 years before we got married, it made no difference for the good.  We had our son before getting married, he's 8 now.

Marriage doesn't always mean it will be better.

Also, I've been considering this for about a month now but I think one of the main reasons is because it just seems like EVERYONE but me is having or had a baby recently. I know this may be the dumbest reason ever to have a child but I just can't help the feelings I feel!! Not to mention I don't want to be an "old" mother I want to be able to enjoy my kids but I guess even if I wait a few years I wouldn't be "old" because my mother had me when she was 28 and I still see her as "young". *sigh* I still need more opinions.

Well, to each his own, right?  I agree with Claire that it's important to get married.  But to me it's not just a piece of paper, it's a commitment.  But back to the issue.  Kids are great!  And hard & exhausting, physically, emotionally, financially.  But also so rewarding to have these little people you love so much whose hugs & kisses make everything in the world feel right.  It's all worth it, if you're ready.

But not just b/c the people around you are having kids!  Although, if you have friends having kids at the same time then you'll have more emotional support, I guess.  Are you two ready for the responsibility?  Are you planning on always being together?  I don't think 22 is too young to have kids, but you're still young enough that you have plenty of wiggle room if you want to wait.

I'm another gate-crashing young father.

Let's see...I had my daughter when I had just turned 24, wife was 22.  Had a son when I was 26, wife had just turned 25.  No more kiddies for me or my wife, thank us very much.

Got married when I was just about to turn 23.  Wife was 21.

I was still an undergraduate, having taken time off in the middle of college.  Wife became a stay-at-home mother for a while until she returned to school to get her bachelor's.  She got it this past December from Smith College, and we'll be moving to Minnesota soon enough so she can get her MFA at the U of MN.  We've managed to survive on less than $50k a year, sometimes much less with really only acquiring educational-expense debt.

Would we have waited longer?  Eh, you go back and forth since you don't know what-could-have-been and if what-could-have-been could-have-been-worse.  I (and we) love our kids the way they are (son has Asperger's Syndrome, but he's a lot of fun).  And hey, they'll both be out of the house by the time I'm 45!

All I can say is that we made it through these past eight years by sheer, forced frugality and decent parental support (esp. free babysitting every now and then).  We're always shocked at people who rack up credit card debt by the thousands because they must have this, that or the other thing--We never had the luxury of being that stupid. 

It takes work, it will be miserable often, it will be a challenge (wife had full-blown post-partum depression with our son...that was really rough), and you'll get green with envy of those who have the money to support their kids, although they're ten years older than you and more established or whatnot.  My wife felt young at the sandbox.  Eh, there are happy times, too (like when the art teacher tells you that your daughter is the best artist in the elementary school despite only being in the first grade...).

But, when the people-you-envy's kid's graduating from high school, they'll be 75 or so.  Sweet revenge.

So, you'll love your kid(s).  You'll learn a heck of a lot about responsiblity and the value of a penny (every time the U.S. Treasury says they're going to get rid of them, I shudder).  The little buggers will make you smile quite often.

But, if you like the cushy life and must buy endless supplies of shoes, clothing, or gadgets, I wouldn't recommend it.

Still, perhaps you're one of those lucky people that start off with a big pot of money.  All of a sudden, I'm green with envy.

Did not have my first child until I was 32.  I lived my young life as I pleaseed and had a good, no really good time.  At 32, I was ready to be a mom.  I didn't have my second until I was 40 and boy am I glad!

I think you know yourself.  Are you ready?  Once it is done, you can't undo it!  You will be a mom for the rest of your life!  Are you ready?

I don't think this is a question we can answer for you. I wouldn't hesitate to tell a 14 year old to wait, but you're an adult now. You're making a huge decision all ready. Personally, my bf and I plan to marry and wait at least a year to enjoy our marriage, and enjoy it just being us and do things that are more harder to do with children -- like travel and establish our careers. I'm not saying its easy to go to all the baby showers and see all the pictures of my friends' babies.... but for us, right now, we have other plans. But I don't know your plans.

I hope you're talking to your fiance about this.

I had my first 2 weeks before I turned 19 and my second at 20. I agree witht the people on here about the money thing. I get a little jealous when I go into work and see these 3 month olds in $50 Nike shoes, and almost all my kids things are hand me downs or garage sale stuff.

And, I get a LOT of people who think they know SO much more about raising children then I do, because they waited 10 more years. I try to ignore it, but it still sucks.

But that being said, I love being a young mom. I won't even be 40 when they are "grown up". I think it is hilarious when I get mistaken for the babysitter. I love running through the sprinkler with them, or going out and jumping on the trampoline in the rain with them. Going to the park and playing on the toys.

I am sure I am gonna get a lot of older moms who say this isn't true, but what I have noticed is, the older moms get together with all the other older moms and watch their kids play together. I have NEVER seen a 35 yr old mom on the slide at the park. Or a 40 yr old mom climb in to the play place at mcdonalds to get the baby that got lost. But I have seen that kinda thing a lot from moms my age.

I'm growing up with my kids, and I really really enjoy it. I am not having anymore. I am done, I love my 2, I love when I had them. Maybe I don't have the money I wish I did. Maybe I should have waited until I "knew" more. But......that baby isn't gonna remember the $50 shoes.....Hopefully mine will remember that mommy was always the one running around the merry-go-round. 

I was 29 when I had my first son, and it happened exactly when we planned it.  Our second son came along 2 years later, again, precisely when we planned it.  We got married at 23, and truly enjoyed being DINKs (dual income no kids), enjoying all of our time together, relishing being a married couple.  I think we were childless just long enough to really enjoy ourselves as a couple and get financially secure, but not so used to it that having kids was a total shock to the system (still a little bit of a shock, but not a total one ;-)).  I?m glad we waited as long as we did, and am glad we didn?t wait any longer ? I love being a mom, and even on Saturday mornings the boys decide to wake up at 6 am, I know how fortunate I am.

I highly recommend it ? but only if you?re ready for it, and only if you and your partner have made the decision together.  Surprises do come along, and often do turn out for the best, but planning is what worked for us, and made our household more stable.  Even with the best planning, though, things happen.  When our youngest was diagnosed with autism, we were certainly thrown for a loop, but what?s important is the support, love, and dedication that is there for him. 

Marriage is not necessarily required, but the child needs to have the best family support available, and a stable home.  Not all children have a father, but those that have one in the home that is dedicated them and their prosperity have an advantage.   Be sure you?re doing this for the right reasons, and be open and honest with your fiancé.

On edit:  Jeepgirl - I don't quite understand the 35 year old moms who don't play with their kids at the park either.  I'm 35, and I think I get a few stares when I decide to go down the slide with my boys - but I'm having fun, my boys love it, so who cares, right? 

 ;-)

I think we're neglecting the most important question here. Have you talked with your fiance about it? What are his feelings? It should be a decision made by both of you.

Amanda

Well, I've mentioned it and he's told me he wants to wait a couple of years and I'm kind of in the middle still and I would be devistated if I got pregnant and he was unhappy or angry or anything but ecstatic. Not to mention he already has a 3 yr old son from his ex-girlfriend.

Well, if your fiance wants to wait a couple of years, then my advice is to respect that and bring it up later.  It may be possible he changes his mind to start earlier, but you certainly don't want to push it if he's not ready.

Enjoy being a married couple for a while - it will do a lot for your relationship.  I know, you've been together for a few years, but if you've just moved in together, you'll discover there's so much more to learn about each other.  When both of you are ready, that's the best time to start a family.

You didn't mention your fiance already had a son from a previous relationship.  I think I now have to second clairelaine's advice.  Get married then think about kids.  Commitment is the first issue you need to address.

i second santonacci..

So...have you already and actually agreed to wait for a couple of years (per your #16 message?)?  I mean, you brought up kids, he said "wait a couple of years" and you said...what?  "Okay?"  "We'll have to discuss it later?"

You're still "in the middle" after he told you that he wants to wait a couple of years, right?  If that's the case, I think more talking needs to take place, and I'd advise (heh, with all the authority I have, I guess ;D) that it occurs before the marriage.  Having different expectations regarding children going into a marriage just seems like a setup for trouble.

In other words, if you're okay waiting to have a kid for a couple of years, so be it.  But, if you're going to be ripped up about not having a kid in the short-term, I think that's reason to have a little bit of a pause.  If I were in your shoes, I'd probably review the reasons you want a kid and how badly you want a kid.

Best of luck to you both.

Well when he says he wants to wait I tell him (jokingly of course) "Until when? when I tell you I'm pregnant?" Of course I would never get pregnant on purpose without him knowing, like I said before I would be devastated if he wasn't ecstatic about it. Obviously we have more talking to do and honestly I'm leaning more towards waiting but I just keep having a feeling that if I wait too long it may never happen! I know that's dumb being as I'm very young but I feel old, seeing as I'm the only one with no kids and what if I can't have kids!