i was wondering if i could bust in here for help with my 15 year old daughter?

ok how do i do this as short as i can but giving you enough info to help me? i'll try:

i am 43 my girls are 17 and 15

17year old started exp with drugs and alcohol at 14. i didn't know. she was doing well in school and a star soccer player looking at a full ride if she maintained. her boyfriend stated selling mari. and she started skipping school with him. her grades went down. i didn't know about the drugs. i was a single mom so i took her to counseling thinking she needed someone to talk too. her sister and i went too. when things go worse, they said they couldn't help and to get her tested for drugs. at this point she missed so much school she got all f's so she was kicked off the soccer team. i moved to another town away from that boy. uprooted the little one so she was mad. i went to the courts and got the older one in the youth at risk program. they made her go to school. she flunked out her 10th and 11th grade years. the older one found an older boy(19) who would pick her up. i went to court and got a restraining order on him. he crossed it and i put him in jail. she ran away. when she was found, after a car wreck she was in, i put her in rehab. in patient. found out she ran to the 19 year old brothers house. he is 34. that's who she is dating now!! she got out of rehab, snuck out and this old guy got her a fake id, took her out to a bar, made her drive his truck and she got a dui. i was searching for him everywhere. he had moved. i got 3 court orders for restraining orders but couldn't find him. i finally was fired from my job because of the stress and missing work going to court(they are only open 9-5) i finally sent her to live with her alcoholic father and his alcoholic wife. she begged me to come home and promised to do whatever i said. refusing to go to school, she got a job instead. she is almost 18 and i gave in afraid she would blow me off when she turns 18. i love my girls so much and only want what is best for them.

ok now to my problem. kayls just turned 15. she started experimenting with cigarettes, boys and pot. i found a picture on her phone of some mushrooms. she just started 9th grade and was flunking almost all of her classes. i freaked out. "omg! not again! i can't go through it all over again. another two years of sleepless nights and worry." she saw what i went through with her sister. i can't believe she would do this too. i went straight from A to Z. i signed her out of school and sent her to her dads. he lives in farm land 2 hours away from us. she is sending me emails, text messages, phone calls. she will do anything to come home. "pleeeeease mommma pleeeeeease!" i know she misses me but i know she misses her friends too. i let her come home for christmas and all she wanted to do was go stay at other peoples houses. she was home maybe 4 of those days. 

see, i was raised by alcoholics myself so i know she is going through hell right now. of the 8 kids in my family, only i went to college and bought my own home. even on my own(no husband) i am doing better. thing is i had NO boundries when i was growing up. my parents were gone or drunk so we could do as we pleased. i decided at an early age i would do my homework, get good grades and get a good job and work hard and make money. as far as parenting goes, i learned what NOT to do. i don't drink, smoke, yell, hit, spank, i work hard and saved for college, i tell them i love them daily, i cook, clean, get them what they need and things they do not to make them feel good about themselves. but i never learned what TO do. what are appropriate boundries? how often should i let she spend the night with friends. if her boyfriends mom calls me and asks for her to spend the night, assuring me she will sleep with the younger sister and she will be watched, should i give in? how often should she be home. how often should i let friends stay the night? what if they are not good for her? ie steal from me or the store. can i demand she never hang out with them again? i told her after christmas break that i thought she should stay with her dad because she wasn't home anyway. she is devastated. she is getting A's now and hasn't missed any school. but i don't know if she is just doing it until she gets back home or if she is sincere.  

as far as she knows, right now i am thinking about letting her come home with some new boundaries. she said she will do anything to come home.  the semester is up on jan 29th. i am going to let her come home but making her sweat it out a bit.

can you please fill me in on what you think would be appropriate boundaries for my girl and how i can help her grow to be the best she can be? i love her so much. i don't want her to pay for the mistakes her sister made, i can't afford to lose another job and i don't want her to get into drugs! i am soo scared. 

kat 

Kat

I am 15 years old and feel i can relate to your daughters. I have never raised a child, nor can i relate to any mother. I can not tell you appropriate boundaries and how to help them but i can try to help you.

The drug use most likely started off as an outlet. Being good for so long caused me to start lieing, drugs ect. I think your youngest daughter was looking for attention, the self-acceptence you feel you get. I was with many abusive boyfriends. I wished my mother knew enough to force him away. I would have hated her and fought even harder to stay with him. Maybe you can try just limiting the time with them.

I think she needs to want to change for herself. Do NOT THREATEN HER about not loving her, or sending her to her dads. when my parents did i once again went to the drugs. To stop my cousin wrote me a letter explaining how much she loves me, supports me and cant wait for me to live a long free life so we can do everything together. she wrote about death-my death. She left it in an envelope and told me only to read it when i think i hit rock bottom.

Here is your answer: Start by being a good example........

If you live, sleep, have sex, etc. with your boy friend....then why isn't OK for your misled kids???

Once you show ( not tell them)  how to live a respectable life, you aren't parenting.

Grow up (not by age, but actions ) and save your kids

***tears****i have been married and divorced twice. i don't want to make the same mistake again. i don't think i will ever get married again. i am committed. what does a lousy piece of paper have to do with it anyway!?

if the reference to the paper was to my responce about the letter, it was just a suggestion of what you can do to give yur daughter a wake up call. you came here asking for help and all i did was offer advice.

besides that lousy peice of paper saved my life.

Original Post by forreal_:

 I wished my mother knew enough to force him away. I would have hated her and fought even harder to stay with him. Maybe you can try just limiting the time with them.

I think she needs to want to change for herself. Do NOT THREATEN HER about not loving her, or sending her to her dads. 

 i was not talking about your post. in fact i took yours to heart. it came from the heart and i thank you. the other came from a coward who had to make up a stupid fake account so we couldn't know who he is. 

i talked to kayla after work and she is having a hard time over there. they don't have any food she likes(they drink beer and food is not a priority) and she has to do her own laundry. she left a dirty dish out and her drunk stepmom lectured her or 1/2 an hour.

i think i will take your advice and not let her hang out with her best friend who she gets into trouble with and i will not threaten to send her away again. it's just hard to watch someone you love so very much throw their future away.

thank you sweat heart i really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and comment

kat 

I am not a mother and I have never been married, but I am a 17 year old girl who can see what your girls are going through. My mom is my best friend, and we got that way from spending time with each other. She is strict, but once she laid down the law, all I had to do was follow it. It's not bad because now we are past our arguing phase that every mother and daughter go through and we are on to becoming friends. It is good when that trust boundary is set so you don't have to spend all your time lecturing. I would suggest you call your daughter, tell her the rules for when she comes home, let her know that if they are broken she is going straight back to her dad's with no second chances and see how it goes from there. I think it is very important to never go back on your word, though. If you say something, follow through, or else she won't know the true boundaries. I don't if that helps at all, but there is my opinion. Good luck!

I think your daughters may have some serious problems with depression.  When I was around their age (I am 23 now) I suffered from extreme depression which made the natural rebellion against my mother far worse.  I never turned to drugs but I did do other self damaging activities such as cutting.  Based on the experience that my best friend had with her alcoholic father I beleive that sending your daughters to live with their dad is probably a bad idea (although I do understand that it was a last resort).  As hard as it is for parents to hear, at some point you have very little control over who your children hang around with and unfortunately I don't think I have any good answers to help you with that.  I suggest trying to help your daughters deal with the issues that have caused such extreme rebellion and self destructive behavior through counseling.  I realize that you tried this before with your older daughter but finding a good patient counselor relationship can be difficult and sometimes it takes a few tries.  Also I was unclear as to whether it was group counseling with you and your daughters in the room at the same time or if it was separate.  If you are in the room or if your daughter thinks that you might find out about anything that she says during counseling then it will probably never be helpful for her.  Good luck and know that it is just a phase and that at some point your daughters will stop seeing you as the enemy. 

thank you! i will see to it that kayla gets some counseling for sure. before we did counseling for the girls separately and then they would bring me in sometimes. i got a younger female for them thinking that she could relate to them better.

i am thinking about getting kayla involved in some volunteering at the local hospital once a week and she wants to get a part time job when she comes home.  i have always been apposed to this because i think they should be kids and i should be the one to work. they should concentrate on school. that is their job right now. let me worry about the money. i have always given them a good allowance. but, now i am thinking that if this takes the time away from those friends then ok! 

i will set the rules, in writing, before she comes home and see how it goes. i don't want them so strict she can't follow them but not so loose that she gets herself in trouble either. raising you teenagers is not as easy as i thought it would be. i laugh when i think back at the younger years and i was thinking, "my girls are so sweat, beautiful, kind, fun, they are going to grow up so easily. so great" haha

i do love being a mom and miss them dearly.

thanks again!!

kat

Kat

today i herd my mother crying when she told my aunt about my past. my aunt reasurred her that she isnt a bad mother and you cant be with your kids 24/7 plrease remember that.

 

So I know this sounds cruel and insensitive but... you need to give them what they are asking for. A whooping. The belt works maam. I'm a teen myself and you just gotta take charge. I wouldn't dare cross my mom. That covers the grades and letting her come home. Warn her. If you make one more mistake, go back with ur father permanently. (the mistake does have to be a bad one though) I know it might be hard on you but all she needs is really really tough tough love. This may or may not help but... thats what my parents did and I'm an honor athlete.

Original Post by legreat:

Here is your answer: Start by being a good example........

If you live, sleep, have sex, etc. with your boy friend....then why isn't OK for your misled kids???

Once you show ( not tell them) how to live a respectable life, you aren't parenting.

Grow up (not by age, but actions ) and save your kids

 I am going to have to second that. I am willing to bet if you and your children's father were able to maintain a stable marriage and home, none of this would have happened. But we can't change the past. In some ways it may be too late, unfortunately. My parents f****d up bad and then kept trying to "straighten me out" after the damage had been done and bad examples had already been set. I just viewed them as being hypocritical and full of s**t. I had zero respect for them. By the way my mom had us living with her loser boyfriends. I am willing to bet you have some serious problems of your own to reckon with before you try to control your kids. I do wish you the best. 

Original Post by fatgrl95:

So I know this sounds cruel and insensitive but... you need to give them what they are asking for. A whooping. The belt works maam. I'm a teen myself and you just gotta take charge. I wouldn't dare cross my mom. That covers the grades and letting her come home. Warn her. If you make one more mistake, go back with ur father permanently. (the mistake does have to be a bad one though) I know it might be hard on you but all she needs is really really tough tough love. This may or may not help but... thats what my parents did and I'm an honor athlete.

whooping? that doesnt sound right to me.

i agree with legreat.
also, i think you should never, ever, EVER threaten to make your child live in a horrible atmosphere (would you let your newborns live with an alcoholic, when they cant feed or wash themselves? why do it to teenagers, who need a parent just as much?)
from before i was born, my mother was an insane druggy/alcoholic who tried to kill my brother and i, and herself, several times.
when my father finally got custody of us, we felt safe, although he constantly screamed and we cried every night.
by 8, my father's worst threat was saying he'd send us off to our mother's house.
when i was 14 and my brother 16, my brother was failing school because he didnt try, not because of drugs or anything. counseling didnt help, so he tried to let mum handle it.
within the first week, she took him for a drive, and went off the road.
i lost my brother, and i never forgave my dad for that, though i live with him now because hes so depressed by it on his own.

please, i know this is the most difficult thing in the world (although my daughter's only 2) but you cant give up. you can NOT treat kids like that, itll only give her something she can never forget.
please let her come home, tell her you wont trust her till she gives you a reason to.
go out with her and a friend, and see if her friends are good or bad influences. if they are thieves, or drug users, try to steer her away and introduce her to positive influences.
dont let her go out to parties, or houses of people you dont know.
itll upset her, but its for the best.
boundaries are very important, i agree.
give her space when she needs it, never stop telling her you love her and that youre not punishing her for what her sister did, try to bond and encourage good behavior by setting an example.

i wish you the best of luck, remember that she isnt too old to change and that you as her mother are one of the strongest role-models she has.

Hm, this is a tough question. As for various intoxicants, they're all a part of my personal lifestyle but is that an appropriate way to live and is it appropriate for a mother like yourself to let your daughter undertake those activities without a fight?

I don't think so.

9th Grade? Ok, she's veryvery young for these things to be happening in her life. As much as I sound like a hypocrite, I hadn't ever had more than a glass of wine at Christmas when I was in year 9 at High School.

Maybe you could try encouraging her into other activies rather than say "no you are not doing this now stay in your room". Dancing, music, football, art, anything really which you think she may be interested in. She might make new and more sensible friends that way also.
Or go out as a family, take her to the cinemas on a night where you know she'll be doing these things.

In year 9 she is also probably not educated in what these drugs do to her. Teach her what they do and what the consequences are and then, she will at least think twice before she acts.

Let her out, but give her a curfew. Don't let her stay at other peoples houses - because that is where/when it all happens. Only let her out a limited number of times a week. She is still only 15 - at 15 I had an 11pm cut off time for my internet :) So you're not being too harsh at all.

^^^can I just say to all of the people who are implying that this wouldn't have happened if the OP was still with her husband, can I just say my parents are still together, but we are just as dysfunctional as a single parent family. My brother is 14, and I have caught him doing drugs, my mother and I have both suffered from EDs in the last 10 years, and my father is an alcoholic.  I actually think now that things would be better if my father upped and left - lord knows I've walked out of the house enough times because of him.  

Marriage wouldn't have necessarily solved anything. 

Anyway, to the OP,  I think you should give your daughter a bit more responsibility, and some incentive for doing it.  You also say you buy them things to make them feel good about themselves. Personally, I think you may be trying to buy your daughter's love here. You don't need to honey, she will love you anyway, you're her mother.  

Let her stay where she wants if shes tripping... last thing you want is your kid trying to drive home under the influence of anything especially mushrooms.  

Original Post by legreat:

Here is your answer: Start by being a good example........

If you live, sleep, have sex, etc. with your boy friend....then why isn't OK for your misled kids???

Once you show ( not tell them) how to live a respectable life, you aren't parenting.

Grow up (not by age, but actions ) and save your kids

 Huh?  I'm married, had a good/respectable job (since retired), completed some school (AA+), don't drink, quit smoking, don't lie --

So -- my child (now 21)  exhibited much the same actions as her daughter -- care to explain that? Being married and/or NOT having consensual sex within the confines of a relationship DOES NOT have any bearing on this child's activities

Sportstergirl asked for help -- answering with recriminations doesn't do that -- it is mean and only serves to make her feel bad.

Sportster -- I think you are on the right path.  All you can do is offer the love and  enforce your standards -- you can't make them do things your way.  Have your daughter sign a contract that states what is expected of her (no drugs, no alcohol, decent grades, etc), and what the consequences are for not upholding her part of the contract (going back to the farm...) 

thank you all so much for the advice. it really does make me feel better. i don't have to justify myself but i will say that i waited 6 years after being married before i had kelsey. i wanted to make sure that we had a solid marriage before bringing children into this world.  i DID NOT want my children a product of divorce. i read the statistics. after my 2nd child, he started drinking. at one point he said, "what are you going to do? you have 2 kids and are fat no one else will want you" i went to marriage counseling for months. the counselor finally said, "if you don't quit drinking, i cannot help you any more" he refused. he said he would not quit and he left. my girls now say that they are glad i didn't take him back. he is drunk every day. but see the girls were 14mo and 3. he would cry to them and say, "i want to come home but mommy wont let me" "mommy takes all my money i can't take you to the park" "mommy will call the police if i come in the house and i will go to jail" he was/is a drunk he cared less about hurting their feelings. i begged him to not use them to get me back and that, right now they think he is the victim but when they are older, he will be sorry. i never said anything bad about their father to them. my tongue bled at times but i held it in. i knew two wrongs don't make a right. i knew he was damaging them though. they loved me and could not picture me being so cruel to their daddy but they loved him too and couldn't see him lying. so, they were very confused growing up. now that they have reached the teenage years, they see what he did and who he is.

to answer one question. i NEVER threatened to make them go live with their dad before this age. kayla used to want to go live with him once or twice a year when she was really mad at me but i always refused.

spanking. kelsey got one when she was 2 for not wearing her seatbelt on the highway. the next time she was hit was at 17 after her boyfriend went to jail and she threw a huge fit. we were arguing and she called me a @*%*in @#tch. i hit her so hard in the face she hit the closet. i called the police and they tried to talk to her even put her in their car and threatened to take her to juvy. the police told her that if i hit her it was discipline. if she hit me back he would take her to juvy for assault.  hitting her made me feel like crap. it did nothing to stop her behavior. i will never hit another as long as i live. she talked about it a few weeks ago when her sister was calling me names. she said, "i was so shocked when you hit me i actually looked around to see who else it could have been" 

getting her involved. i have done swimming, baseball, basketball, ice skating, dirtbikes, i will keep trying. 

coach k thank you! i can't give everyone my life story in one forum message so of course we will have those that want to judge me. but believe me from years before they were born to now, my life has been all about raising them. my needs are and will continue to come second. i know they love me. i know they are trying to find their own place in the world.  when they find it, they will do just fine. you just hear horror stories and you freak out. kelsey only used a small amount of drugs. just pot and drank but how am i to know that? in a mothers mind, she could start doing crack and selling her body. i put her in rehab. it tought her what those drugs could do to her so if nothing else, it was a deterrent and she wasnt wanting to learn in school so it was a good choice.

thank you all again! thank you for caring. Kat

"what are appropriate boundries? how often should i let she spend the night with friends. if her boyfriends mom calls me and asks for her to spend the night, assuring me she will sleep with the younger sister and she will be watched, should i give in? how often should she be home. how often should i let friends stay the night? what if they are not good for her? ie steal from me or the store. can i demand she never hang out with them again?"



When I was in 6th grade, I made really good friends with a group of girls who my mom didn't really like me hanging around. Well, actually, she liked them all, she was just iffy about their parents (somehow she thought one of them was a drug dealer. I still don't know where she got that from.) Anyway, she let me go to their houses, but always found an excuse for why I couldn't spend the night. And it really made me mad.

So after a long time of not being able to really hang out with them without my mom being completely annoyingly overprotective, I got bored being their friends, just because I wasn't allowed to hang out with them much. I started talking to other people more, and made different friends.

Now I'm a sophomore in high school, and my two best friends are a junior and a senior. They're both extremely moral, never even considered drugs, and pretty much couldn't conceive how it's possible to shoplife something without getting caught. My mom lets me spend the night with them when ever I want, and I barely have to call her when I go places with them.

I still talk to my old friends who are actually in my class year. They're all very fun, intelligent, and opinionated people. Most of them do drugs, a few are on anti depressents, and some on the outer fringes of the group don't mind swiping stuff off the shelf of a store. I like them all, but I don't hang out with them. I don't have much in common with them, because I was never allowed to hang out with them.

Anway, the moral of the really long story is that if you don't let you're daughter hang out with the friends that you don't approve of their actions, she'll probably be forced to make friends with people who would have a better influence on her. And also that it's not time to have a panic attack if your daughter associates with people who do drugs and steal stuff. If my mom had completely banned me from being friends with these people, I probably would have rebelled.

the best complement i ever got from my girls(as far as being a mom) is from kelsey when i had her talking to the judge in the youth at risk program. she said, "mom, i wish you didn't care so much" i said, "thank you for the complement. but, unfortunately for you, i do care and always will. when you grow up and look back on this time in your life, i want you to know that i did everything that i could." she had a lot of friends whose parents could care less about what they did and where they were. some of them would actually lie for her to me! now kayla pays for this because i am so much more strict with her.

i am hoping that she will learn that if these friends are getting her in trouble, it is just not worth it.

as a parent, if say, you let them hang out with these friends and then they get in a car wreck or steal and go to juvy or do drugs and get hooked and start stealing or anything bad like that, you think "what if i had stopped her from hanging out with them, what if i was more strict, what if...." it's just something we do.