35, wondering if I should hurry up & try to have a child

hi, i'm in grad school finishing my dissertation. should have my phd in may 2009. my husband and i have been talking about having a child, but i feel so preoccupied with finishing school and starting a career. i'm a little worried, because i turned 35 this summer. if we start trying now and it happens, i'm afraid it will interfere with me finishing my degree and getting a good job. also, i feel like i'd like a little freedom when i do finish in may, so we may not really start trying until late 2009 or early 2010. I'll be going on 37 by then!!

i'm just curious to hear how other women have handled balancing professional goals, age, and having kids. thanks.

If you really want children and would not feel complete without them, then I wouldn't wait too long, as you probably know your fertility rate is already plummeting from when you were in your 20's (its about 15-20% less than when you were in your early 20's)  and will only continue to do so drastically for every year after 35 (will decrease 25-50%).  Unfortunately, thats just the fact of the matter.  However, having said that, it does not mean you won't be able to get pregnant at 37, 38... 40 or beyond, it just MAY be more difficult, and you MAY have more complications than if you were younger.  I have two very good friends who got pregnant on their first try at the age of 38 and 39 respectively, with no complications throughout their pregnancy.  Unfortunately, you won't really know if you are going to have problems getting pregnant until you start trying.  It may be worthwhile to go see your doctor and have your hormone levels, etc. checked out now even if you decide to wait to try to get pregnant

As for balancing career and family, not easy, but doable.  I waited until after grad school to have my first, but I finished grad school at 27 and got pregnant when I was 28 (And I honestly intended to wait a few more years, but oops :).  It has however slowed my career progression down a bit for the interim because I have chosen to try to balance both career and family, and being in science, thats not an easy thing.  I choose to prioritize my family atm. 

All I can say is that while you are writing your dissertation is actually a good time to be pregnant, because all you really have to do is sit in front of a computer and write, and if you have some family support, you will be able to get going into your career fairly easily afterwards.  Ultimately, only you know what your situation is and what you think you and your husband can handle.  My little one is in daycare 4 days a week and has been since she was 4 months old, but thats because I live in a different country than all of my family, so I have no family here to help out.  I am happy with the situation and she loves it, so makes me feel better about things.

Good luck whatever you decide

I'm not a professional and I had my kids in my teens and twenties, so I can't comment there. But, honestly, I would never recommend anyone 'hurry up and have a child', especially when so much is riding on completing your degree, establishing your career, etc. Just 2 cents from a 'if I had it to do over...' mom.

A child should be something that you cannot live without right now, not something you think you should do. Neither of my babies were planned, and it totally changed my life in every aspect! "The best laid plans of mice and men..."

I'd go to the doctor and see about freezing your eggs, if you aren't ready now. That way, you'll have a supply of viable eggs for when you are ready. Same thing with the hubby. Sperm deteriorates with age too, so to negate the chances of birth defects, see about storing a "younger" batch.

Yeah, I'm not sure anyone's opinion on this should matter except yours.

As for me, I'm so glad I didn't wait any longer than I did.  It took me in the range of 2 years to get pregnant with each of my girls... and I was in my 20's at the time.

The PP's are correct in that you won't know if you are going to have issues conceiving - even right now - until you start trying.

Of course, if adoption is a way that you would consider growing your family, then it doesn't matter a bit how fertile you are.  So, maybe that something you explore.  Are you open to that if ttc doesn't work out the way you plan?

hello, thanks for responding. i just need some outside perspective on this issue, as i'm driving myself crazy thinking about it, so i appreciate everyone's input.

my husband and i both know we want one child, though he's pretty ready now! but he doesn't want to jeopardize my chances of having a good career, so he's totally supportive and doesn't pressure me at all. having a good career is important to me, especially since i'm the first one in my family to graduate from college. so, i want to feel really ready when we do decide to go for it.

i have heard from others that the dissertation is actually a good time to be pregnant, since we're bound to sit in front of a computer anyways! so, that's something we're thinking about. i'm glad to hear that people do find a good balance between work and family.

we are both very open to adoption - i happen to do research in India, a place that has lots of children who need families. since i speak the language and travel there a lot, i think i could raise the child with a good sense of that identity, too.

but i hadn't thought of the two practical ideas of checking in with a dr now to check hormone levels and even to have eggs & sperm frozen.

i love that i learn something new every time i'm on Calorie Count! thanks, for the thoughts!

 

Really, there is truly never a "good" time to have a child.  At 33, I thought I wasn't ready (we had only known eachother 2 months, at that point) and so terminated a pregnancy.  At 35, I found myself pregnant again.  Was I ready, and morevoer, did I really feel like I wanted a child?  Probably not. But we decided to continue this pregnancy, and now I have a 3 month old son.  It's true what they say--motherhood changes everything.  If I had known at 33 what I know through experience now, I'd tell my 33 year old self to just have the child, live, and learn.  Life doesn't have to "end" when you have a kid.  I still work, albeit part time instead of full time.  I still have a great social life--but now, our wee one tags along with us to restaurants and social gatherings.  Parenthood is great; totally worth it, and honestly, if I was you with potentially waning fertility due to advanced maternal age (yes, that's what you get labeled at 35+), I would consider getting started on trying if you know in your heart that you truly desire children.  Good luck!

I am a career woman and had my first child at 39 and my second at 40.  I didn't have any problems getting pregnant but I did miscarry twice.  Your chances of a viable pregnancy decrease as you get older but I know many women my age having kids. 

I'd really recommend to wait until your ready.  Once you have kids you can't go back.  They definately change your life and your priorities.  I use to work late nights but don't do that anymore because I want to get home and be with my kids.  I'm lucky though, I've made it to a great position that I love. 

If I was you (and I'm not saying you should do this- this is just my own personal thoughts!), I would not wait if I wanted a biological child. Not only does the chance of conceiving go down, but chances of birth defects, etc go way up. I'm 30, and just finished my PhD almost a year ago. I'm planning to get pregnant in about a year, towards the end of my fellowship. It will most certainly interfere with my career, but it's just too important to me. I am hoping to get offered a faculty position next year, but honestly- I'm going to turn it down unless I can work part-time, because I want to have kids and be with them more than, perhaps, 1-2 hours a day after work. For me, it's not a tough decision, although I do feel resentful to have worked so hard for the degree, then possibly lose opportunities for advancement because I don't want to choose between career and children...

hello, thanks for the ideas & stories!

i've heard that from others, that if you wait until you feel totally ready to have a child (emotionally, physically, financially, domestically), you might never have one!

my husband and I came to one viable solution: start trying as soon as I have my dissertation defense draft complete, which i'm aiming to do by mid-december. the defense draft is the mountain's peak - it should be all downhill (in a good way!) from there! 

in any case, we decided to revisit the question once i submit my defense draft. in the meantime, i'm going to continue making progress on my dissertation and improving my health, weight, & fitness. I'm also going to get pre-TTC medical check-ups. that way we'll be ready if and when we decide to go for it.

i like hearing that life doesn't have to end with a child, though it clearly changes everything about life. many people seem to have found ways to balance age, family, work, & other interests. i don't have a good model for balance - my mother left nothing for herself. this made her resentful for giving everything of herself to us & us feel guilty for taking everything from her.

please keep the stories and input coming. more and more women are waiting till their 30s or even 40s to have kids, yet our bodies still want to have them in our 20s! it's really helpful to hear how others have dealt with balancing children and other aspects of their lives, including age, work, partners, & health!

You are already considered advanced maternal age.... if you are going to start trying in December, you need to be off birth control now and take a visit to the gyno to have a hormone work up a few months after going off b/c.  You really need to check your fsh levels... dont want to waste time trying if you already show that there might be a need for help. 

There are plenty of women that can get and stay pregnant after 35.  There are also plenty of women that require increasing levels of ART after 35 and some of those may not be able to get pregnant at all.  It is worth your time to have a baseline done.

Also, apparently the eggs that you produce start getting ready for "use" approximately 3 months out, so its also worthwhile to start tapering off alcohol use (if you use a lot), nicotine, and if you are so inclined, caffeine.  Additionally, you should be taking a prenatal vitamin, or at the very least, folic acid.

Good luck and I hope whatever happens is what you want!

(and ps, I had my daughter at 19, while I was in college.  Unplanned.  I subsequently went to law school and am an attorney in a law firm.  I have been single the whole time and never closer to family than an hour away.  Motherhood changes everything but it definitely doesnt make life impossible.  You just learn to be more creative.  And more tired ;) Having a career, a good one, and being a good mom, are not antithetical. )

hi sumi-  I just had my first about 10 days ago now.  When I was pregnant; I thought I was totally ready for this huge change.  Now; I'm not sure one would ever be ready for this.  I'm 30; and I knew I never wanted kids before this age.  My friend who is 40 is going to have a baby in September; b/c she really wanted one and her boyfried supported her decision.  She did not have trouble getting pregnant.

Over the course of the past few days; I have fallen in love with this amazing little person and out of love with myself!  I feel like my DH is ignoring me and works too much-  I'm jealous of people who have adult interaction and I'm craving to go to work for just one day!! And every time I look at her I fall head over heels and then feel like I should be more happier on the inside and the outside.   It's an adjustment-  I'm sure at any age.  I'm glad I didn't have to go through this transition in my early 20's; since I know back then I was way too immature to deal with something like this.  Little Julia was a surprise that I welcomed; I knew I wanted kids; and would have started trying to get pregnant in my 30's anyway.

I don't think you are "too old" to have a baby.  If this is a challenge you are up for; think long and hard about it.  I don't think anyone feels they have "enough" money, "enough" anything-  you just need to follow your heart.  In the meantime;  up that Folic Acid and start taking  vitamins.

On a side note; drea-  I love your story; and you are very strong woman!!  Machatica;  you've been making me feel better knowing what I'm feeling is real and valid!

As I stated in an earlier post, my dear little Brighteye's wasn't planned. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was planning on getting out of the military and going back to school and finishing my degree in Criminal Justice. But as soon as I found out I was preggers, I decided to stay in for the full 20 years, and get my degree knocked out over that time span.

I know that military life can be taxing, rough, and dangerous, but the benefits are great for a young family. My husband is almost 29, and I'm 25. Needless to say, i have to work full time, and so does my husband. Weekends, nights, or holidays are up for grabs, too. You'll probably face the same rough schedule, but juggling work and home life can be done, you just have to learn what to sacrifice and what to keep.  

hello. thanks for sharing, drea and vanessa.

i've heard about the eggs already being "there" some months before conception, so i've also been eating a lot better (as plant-based, balanced, natural, and whole) as possible), working out more, and thinking twice about any medicines that aren't absolutely necessary. i don't smoke at all, so that's one less thing to worry about. i usually only have two or three drinks a week, and i only have one cup of coffee in the morning with an occasional hot or iced tea in the afternoon.

thanks for more practical advice about going to my gyn and preparing for TTC. it's really useful. i don't talk to any family members (other than my husband) about the topic of pregnancy, because i don't want them to know we're trying - we'll tell them if and when we actually conceive and are a couple of months along.

thanks to everyone for continuing different perspectives, practical advice, and warm encouragement. i appreciate it! 

Don't rush to have them if you aren't ready for them in every way possible - they absolutely change your life and take it over in ways you cannot begin to appreciate until they arrive. 

And don't worry about your fertility rate, etc.  If you need help conceiving when the time is right there are plenty of options.  I like the suggestion from someone that you freeze your eggs now - if you have the financial means to do this seems worth exploring, although plainly not crucial. 

Even if not - try not to worry.  Loads of professional women I know are having babies even into their mid-40s.  I just had my first at 36 and not only did the conception come off without a hitch, he was born perfect and healthy.  And he has the added benefit of having a mom who got her career in order to the point where DADDY can stay at home with him full time.  We were both ready and the time was right and now he's a joy.  I can't imagine having him even a year earlier. 

Moral of the story - don't rush kids into your life.  They'll love you for it!

Original Post by vanessa1031:

hi sumi-  I just had my first about 10 days ago now.  When I was pregnant; I thought I was totally ready for this huge change.  Now; I'm not sure one would ever be ready for this.  I'm 30; and I knew I never wanted kids before this age.  My friend who is 40 is going to have a baby in September; b/c she really wanted one and her boyfried supported her decision.  She did not have trouble getting pregnant.

Over the course of the past few days; I have fallen in love with this amazing little person and out of love with myself!  I feel like my DH is ignoring me and works too much-  I'm jealous of people who have adult interaction and I'm craving to go to work for just one day!! And every time I look at her I fall head over heels and then feel like I should be more happier on the inside and the outside.   It's an adjustment-  I'm sure at any age.  I'm glad I didn't have to go through this transition in my early 20's; since I know back then I was way too immature to deal with something like this.  Little Julia was a surprise that I welcomed; I knew I wanted kids; and would have started trying to get pregnant in my 30's anyway.

I don't think you are "too old" to have a baby.  If this is a challenge you are up for; think long and hard about it.  I don't think anyone feels they have "enough" money, "enough" anything-  you just need to follow your heart.  In the meantime;  up that Folic Acid and start taking  vitamins.

On a side note; drea-  I love your story; and you are very strong woman!!  Machatica;  you've been making me feel better knowing what I'm feeling is real and valid!

Oh Nessa - you poor thing!  Don't forget that 10 days out from birth you are going through serious "baby blues" from the change in your hormone levels!  Be gentle with yourself and you'll feel better in a week or so!  What you are feeling IS real and valid, and you should know that it will pass pretty quickly.  If it doesn't, seek medical help from your OB-GYN. 

I love that you gave the really new mom perspective - it is REALLY overwhelming and nothing in the books or anywhere else can prepare you for the change in your body, your life, your head, once that adorable, helpless little bundle looks into your eyes for the first time!

If you really want a child (and don't just think it's something you 'should do') then I wouldn't want to wait too much longer if I was you... you don't know what your fertility status is and how hard it will be for you to conceive, and you're old enough that that biological clock is ticking. Your life doesn't end just because you became a parent... but the greatest career in the world won't do you any good if your arms are empty and you really wanted them to be filled with a baby.