Really worried...

Okay, so this is the first time ive actually been nervous about something like this. A little background...

Im 6'3'', 22 yr old male and i weight 180lbs. At my heaviest i weighed in at 330ish and i worked out and dieted down to 210. I then fell into a bit of a depresion and succumbed to an eating disorder where i dropped down to about 160 and looked really bad. I started refeeding and lost a little weight since my metabolism started back up again, then i started swelling in my abdomen and began to restrict again. After it started going away a bit i started eating 3000 something calories a day for about three weeks (mostly at night as i would restrict during the day). Then i started restricting a bit again and only eating around 2000 and normally less. Now im working out 5x a week, have a job where i work on my feet and eat every 2-3 hours and the swelling is coming back with a vengence. People that have seen it, including my dr, say that its just abdominal fat (FYI, not something you say to someone in recovery). Not only that but i eat super clean and barely take in any fats anyway so how am i retaining all this fat? It also shifts depending on how i sit in a chair or the way i lay down when i sleep and its not squishy like fat, its more dense and it pits when i press down on it. Does fat do this, is it water retention, is there anything i can do?

I wouldnt be too worried or stressed but the loose skin from when i lost weight is not saggy and filled with what ive been told is fat. Can anyone offer some support to me, or some answers, maybe even a push in the right direction? I would greatly appreciate anything. Thanks!

Okay, everyone. Time out. You've got valid points but don't let them get lost behind what may come off as snarky tones of voice. This said, try not to coddle, either - it doesn't always produce a result if you're lenient with what is a devious illness.

Fidget is right, Clay - if you keep focusing on what you don't like, and all the "bumps" and "lumps" you supposedly see you're never going to recover in full. Your eating disorder WARPS your perceptions. Hell, if you want working proof look at my latest journal: I found a photo of me at my highest weight and what is a goal weight and HEY, I don't look huge. I'm not "lumpy". Neither are you nor will you be.

You have been dallying around with your intake for a good long while. You need to be at at least 3000 and you know that much, and, well, more than that as you're doing cardio and lifting weights. The person you cheat the most by that dallying, Clay, is you and only you. Take this from someone who's finally admitted to herself she's been in a state of relapse and is getting back to putting it right. Don't give your ED room to breathe. Choke it, choke it, choke it.

I read something today on one of the threads in the weight gain forum, i dont remember who wrote it but thats irrelevant. Someone was pulling a 'me' and complaining about some weight gain issues and they were asked "Is your heart in it?" My heart hasn't been in it, ill admit that. I have let all the people around me influence my recovery (or lack there of) and i realize now that at the end of the day they could care less.

I realize that the Ed took a big turn when i felt alone and i considered being thin with being more sought after by people. I was sad and felt like i had nothing going for me in the world, that guy didnt know how well he had it and if i ever met im i would not stop until he was better and felt confient about everything about himself. That being said its time to follow my own advice.

Fidget, again, come to austin in a month and you'll see how much 'Pi**n about' i do. Guaranteed.

(Ellie, will you be my valentine :P)

honestly i didnt say wat i said to offend you! but sounds like you have ur feet dug in good now. good for you. dont be half arsed. in these last few years i have met some great ppl, but i have realised one sad painful truth through witnessing them and me put in half arsed efforts: life goes by. with or without you. people move on, ppl lose hope for you and they move with the greater tide of life. they get their degrees, they have boy and girlfriends. they grieve for their now dead friend but they dont stop their own life. clay as lala says "you only cheat yourself".

n if it took me to offend you to spur you on more, then i would continue to offend!!! but seriously, any msg i am trying to convey is so that i can help you avoid the mistakes i made..... it is a lonely battle. sometimes kindness facilitates it further. for those of us with ed's we must push eachother thru the tough bit