Worried About My Mom

Hopefully somebody here was some idea on how to go about doing this, as I sure don't.

I love my mom so much, I respect her more than anybody else I know, and I care about her well-being. Which is why I have absolutely no idea how to somehow get her to exercise and eat healthier.

My whole life, she's made excellent desserts, bought lots of junk food, and stuffed food down my brothers and me. However, we all have my dad's metabolism, so if we go out to fast food or something, we won't gain anything. She never exercises at all, because she "never has time." I really am not trying to be rude to her, but if she has time to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and all sorts of her favorite TV shows, she should have time to do at least 10 minutes of exercise, or something! She has finally in past months started to support me picking out healthier things at the grocery store, but that hasn't done anything to change her own habits.

Please note- I'm really not trying to offend her, but she gained a lot of weight after she had my twin brother and myself, and it keeps getting worse. She also injured her foot a few months ago, so any walking she would have done at all has pretty much been put on hold.

Advice or suggestions, anybody?

EDIT: I don't watch TV- she does.

Why not do crunches at commercial breaks of Dancing with the Stars?  I don't know what to tell you, I am worried about my mom as well with her eating habits.

I have tried for at least the past 20 years to get my own mother to eat healthier, exercise, quit smoking, etc. Even after her second heart attack, she does what she wants to do. I have finally accepted that all my nagging, pleading, sending her articles on health, etc will not change her habits. She needs to decide that for herself. It's very sad for me, because I know I will lose her early, but I have needed to accept that and stop banging my head against a brick wall.

Of course, not everyone is as stubborn as my mom!

You could buy passes for yoga classes at the nearest studio for the both of you. Or maybe, once or twice a week, take the bikes and go for a ride in the park. Maybe pack some snacks and have a picnic. If you live in an urbanized area, you could go walk around downtown and check out different parts of the city together.

 The point is that she's probably more likely to want to do something with you, rather than all alone, and doing some sort of family activity like that might make her more inclined to participate (considering it's a way that she can socialize with you and the rest of the family - if she doesn't go, then she'll be the odd one out).

I have no idea how to help; not in the way you?re asking.  My mother wouldn?t listen to a thing I said or the doctors after she?d had her first heart attack. When she was diagnosed with diabetes she continued drinking sugared soda and consuming large amounts of carbs. Her theory ? Something?s gonna kill me, I might as well enjoy my life?

I kinda believe they have to make that leap to get healthy all by themselves. No matter how much we love them and want them around for---ultimately it has to be their choice.

My mother was pretty stubborn, wonderful cook but gawd was the stuff unhealthy. She died when I was twenty-one (She was only 47) of complications related to diabetes. She?s had a heart attack by then, severely clogged arteries. All of my childhood family is gone?one aunt made it to 52.

 To put this in perspective, I?m only thirty-two years old. My husband who is 34 still has two grandparents living who are in there 80?s and still doing fine. My own family history would be the reason I?m trying to get healthy. I don?t want to check out before my time like both my parents did. My father died of a heart attack when I was sixteen.

But I do agree with the person above that perhaps trying to get her involved in some activity is the way to go. Anything at all to get her moving has to be an improvement. And the plus, you get to spend time together.

My mom is very obese, so I understand the dilemma you have.

My mother knows she needs to lose weight, but when she asked me how I lost weight, she all but refused to count calories and eat better foods, saying she doesn't have time to take care of herself like I do (I don't have time either, but I still do it). Instead she resorts to stupid fad diets for 1 week at a time, that won't work because she doesn't attempt to cut junk food or limit her portion sizes.

Whenever I tell her what she needs to do, she just tells me I was able to lose weight because I'm in my 20's and that it's harder for older people (she's in her early 50's).

Basically, I'm not sure you really sure it would be beneficial to have this conversation with your mother. You might really offend her, and that can cause major awkwardness in your house. Take care of yourself, and pray that one day she realizes she needs to make changes.

some times the strate forword way is the only way to get thru. so i would say tell her that your worried. and yes she might be mad for a wile but then she will calm down and the messige will stick in her head. or you could ask her to go do some exersise class with you. or say that you want to have famly dinners and make them healthyer.

If I counted all the times I was worried about my mom, I'd have reached infinity years ago.  But as children, all we can do is lead by example.  Telling her is NOT an option. Unless you're also her MD.

I dont know the relationship that you have with your mother or what type of dialogue you have had with her about her weight in the past.

But you seem to be genuinely concerned and that is really cool :)

Make a list of all the reasons why her weight worries you (you want her to be able to be there for your college grad, your kids college grad, you want her to feel healthy and vibrant well into her golden years, etc).

I would then suggest asking your Mom if you can privately chat with her (no tv, siblings, etc). Calmly, lovingly and empathetically tell her that while you mean no disrespect, you are concerned for her health and then tell her why. And then, offer to help her (I know as a child, this is asking a lot of you - but I think people feel incapable of making drastic changes alone). Offer to show her how to use CC, to make a grocery list, to plan some workouts together. And tell her that she has shown so much strength raising you, that you are sure she can change this - if she wants. Tell her you want to give her some time to think about it, and as if you can chat again in a couple days when she has had some time.

Then you have to leave it up to her. No nagging, pestering, belittling, snide comments about her tight clothes, etc. (not saying you do those things, but often people WANT to help but come off totally condescending and it really demotivates people).

If you think the chatting part is too difficult or she doesnt listen well to you - maybe try a letter instead.

Who knows if it will work - but I often find the fram of mind with which you approach a situation matters just as much as what you actually say.

Good luck :)
Christy

I'm concerned for my mother as well, but I know that it's a choice she has to make on her own. Nothing I can say or do will motivate her to help herself, and my intervention is twice as likely to hurt as help.

I can only hope that she sees my progress when I come home on leave and asks me how I did it. I'd love to demonstrate to her that healthy, gradual lifestyle changes and exercise really do work.

Wish I could give you some advice but we are going through this with my father in law. He had open heart surgury back in April and then a heart attack right after that. We now found out that he has some other health issues on top of this. He knows he needs to loose weight but he is going about it the wrong way. He recently showed up at our house (he lives in Florida and we live in Indiana) and in a 24 hour period I was only able to get him to eat one meal. Right before he got to our house he stopped at White Castle (yuck) and while he was here he had 2 cokes and a beer. When he left I did manage to shove a South Beach diet bar into his hand hoping he would eat it instead of some fast food somewhere.
   I tried to explain to him that he needed to eat at least three times aday and he just scoffed at the idea saying he would never loose weight that way
   We are afraid he is killing himself and I know my husband is really sad about all of this.
   Good luck to everyone.

Brighteyes--my condolences to you for the loss of your family members.  I can't imagine how difficult that must be.  Good luck to you in your quest to improve/imaintain your health.

Phoenix (and everyone who has chimed in with empathy), I too know the feeling!  My mother was always so healthy when I was a kid, and impressed it upon my sister and me.  When she divorced my dad, she lost a lot unhealthily, and then gained it all back and then some when she met and married my stepdad.  She was never really at a completely unhealthy weight though, her doctor never mentioned her weight as a problem.

So a few years ago, she started to gain more.  A mix of endometriosis treatement throwing her into early menopause, some grandchildren coming into the family and adding a lot of responsibility on her shoulders (she's the only "grandma" in Kansas, my stepbrothers' mom lives in Iowa, and their wives' parents live further away as well), and a bit of empty nest syndrome kicking in once 4 of 5 of us kids were out of the house just added up.

Living in St. Louis with my family all in Kansas City and only being able to visit two or three times a year made it hard to notice that she was headed down that road, so I really didn't know she was at an unhealthy weight until she called one day to ask me what I thought about the high blood pressure medication her doctor prescribed (I was in a pharmacology course at the time). 

I've never wanted to come out and tell her I'm concerned I might lose her, because she's sensitive and it would not help at all.  I try to make subtle suggestions, like telling her I read an article that said just 30 minutes of activity a day can significantly benefit weight loss efforts, like congratulating her when she uses the treadmill she bought, sharing recipes with her since she likes to cook when she has time, using the knowledge I've gained in earning my biology degree to explain how the body works so she understands biochemistry enough to know about what components of food to watch for (it makes her so proud when I go off on science rants).  Seeing my own progress has been a big motivator too, because every few months when I come home to visit I've lost more weight and my entire family tells me how I'm lookin' good.

Echstee gave some good advice, if you think your mom would react well to that.  But like I said, my mom would just get upset if I told her that her weight worried me.  In the end, it's all up to her. 

Thank you guys so much for the advice! I've decided I do want to talk to her, as with the relationship that we have, we can 99% of the time be honest about anything and everything and the other won't get offended.

Now I just have to think of how to get her to stick with it! She'd listen to what I have to say, but most likely she'd say she was too busy to do anything. I'll do my best, though! I definitely owe her that.

Thanks again! : )

phoenix-- About getting your mom to stick with it, one way to keep bringing it up without nagging is like my mom does--keep it a part of just everyday conversation, like you're on the same "team," it's a joint goal.  Not just "I'm concerned, your weight is a problem," but make it something cool that you do together.

One thing my mom does for me (she has always been very healthy and encouraged me very positively and non-offensively in my fitness efforts) is show me what she's doing.  She will show me new exercises with weight training (which I'm not that into) and encourage me to try them. 

Recently she bought one of those 1/2 ball things that sits on the ground and you balance on it?  Hard to explain, but the point is, she was just like, "I got this cool thing!  You'd be really good at it, you have great balance."  And I was pretty good on it, and we basically ended up working out together that day.  She always finds something nice to say about me, like that she was impressed with how many pushups I could do, or that my form was good, or whatever.  It keeps me motivated and she 'tricks' me into exercising.

This works both ways, too.  My mom likes weights and equipment, whereas I get into stuff you can do outside like walking or biking.  She's come with me biking a couple times and we both enjoy switching it up like that.

She'll have almonds, south beach bars, etc. around and eat them and always offer me one.

Long story short, it's non-intrusive, and I've never resented my mom for this stuff.  Sometimes I listened, and sometimes I didn't.  But the main things were that she never stopped trying, and she never made it something judgemental or critical.  Good luck talking to your mom!  It could be the start of something cool between the two of you!

It's really hard to tell someone else that they need to lose weight. Personally, I really don't think it's a good idea at all. HOWEVER, I do think you should tell your mom that you're worried about her and scared for her, that you want her to be healthy. You can suggest that you two do some exercise together. Say "let's go for a walk" or something ... . Make a habit of it. You two will begin to look forward to it. Also, you could just tell her you're concerned for your own health and that maybe the WHOLE family could make some changes. Being an example is about the best way to go about it. 

Phoenix-

Is there any way you can share cooking duties? When I took over the cooking because my Mom was too sick, she lost a LOT of weight (60 pounds, and was thin and trim- ack!) and started exercising for the first time in 15 years. She had chronic COPD and was on oxygen- the weight loss helped her considerably and she gained more energy than she had had in years. Slowly, her oxygen intake was reduced (she was on it for 16 hours a day, went down to six hours before she passed away).  She gained alot of weight when she quit smoking and just never tried to lose it. Before quitting smoking, she was a toothepick and never had to worry about what she ate. Same with my sister, both never had to exercise or watch what they ate. Me, I've always had to watch my weight, and I'm back to losing. Anyhow, back to my post about pre-cooked food:

Can you cook some stuff up ahead of time that she can eat when you're not around? For instance, I make roasted veggies- peppers, roma tomatoes, summer squash, eggplant and zucchini in the oven. I use about 1 teaspoon of olive oil per large pepper (to give you a guestimate here, lol) and sprinkle on some garlic powder. Roast in a 400 degree oven for 20-30 minutes. I eat these veggies as is, or put them (peppers, not roasted cucumbers, lol, and roma tomatoes) in a low calorie pita with a cucumber/yogurt (1 tablespoon plain fat free)/low fat cream cheese (2 tablespoons)/garlic powder (1/4 tsp)/salt (dash)and pepper (1/8 tsp) sauce. Very low calorie and delicious! I even add 5 Spanish olives sliced up thin every now and then, to change the flavor, as well as 1 oz low fat feta cheese to the sauce on occasion. Also, like it a bit more spicy? Add a dash of ground red cayenne pepper.

Baked potatoes- clean and dry completely, prick with fork, wrap in foil and bake 1 hour in a 450 degree oven. I make up several of these at a time, and everyone grabs one and adds their own stuff to it. From broccoli, carmelized onions, red peppers, cheese, 1 slice of Oscar Mayer 30% reduced fat bacon (25 calories per slice and delicious!), and low fat sour cream, tsp of Smart Balance margarine with Flax seed oil- this is a handy lunch item or a side for dinner.

Also, do you have a grill? Grill up some extra chicken breast, steak, shrimp (or just keep precooked shrimp on hand) and boneless porkchops. You can grill the meats while making the roasted veggies or baked potatoes to save time. While they're all cooking, I make up a fruit salad base and clean and cut up veggies to put in baggies (see below for more details). Doing this all at once will help cut down your kitchen/cooking time, but if you don't have a grill, you can always cook the meat on the stove or in the oven.

I make a steak and cheese roll up with 100 calorie lavash bread, 2-3 oz of cooked steak, 1 tablespoon of teriyaki sauce (no more than 25 calories!) and Kraft 2% American cheese. This is a favorite in our house and a decent meal for folks who are too tired to cook. With the chicken, she can either add it to some rice and a stir fry sauce (same with the steak or precooked shrimp) and some veggies already pre-cooked, like the roasted veggies. Also, make a salad wrap with low cal Caesar salad dressing, meat of choice, some croutons for another quick and easy lunch or dinner.

I also fry up some mushrooms, throw them in a low cal pita bread, one slice of 2% Kraft American cheese or low fat/calorie provolone cheese, lettuce and one tablespoon of light calorie mayo. Add in onions and peppers, if desired, to change it up a bit. Very low cal, and another delicious lunch that's easy to assemble, especially if all the veggies are already cooked and ready to use.

Meatball subs- precooked and premade meatballs in the frozen section. I use about 3 mini meatballs, cut them in half, add some low cal provolone cheese or Kraft 2% American cheese, and 1/4 cup spaghetti sauce in a low cal pita or lavash bread roll up.

Keep washed, dried and cut up veggies in the fridge with a low cal veggie dip or hummus. Celery (wrap tightly in aluminum foil to keep from going bad), broccoli, cauliflower, red peppers, baby or regular carrotts, snap peas and so on.

Same with fruit- cut up different melons, peel a couple of oranges and keep them in baggies, red and green grapes. Make a fruit salad base out of low sugar/sugar free apple juice and low sugar/sugar free white grape juice, equal parts. You can actually add in sliced apples into this base (we use both red and green apples) and they will keep for 3-4 days in the juice in the fridge. I add red and green grapes, oranges, cherries, grapefruit and pineapple, and keep that as my "fruit salad" base, which will last at least 3-4 days in the fridge without spoiling. I add when I am going to eat it- bananas, watermelon, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, peaches, other melons and fruits that might not keep in the fruit salad base. Everyone in my house loves this, and I usually make this up when I make our sausage with gravy and biscuit dinner once or twice a month. :D We fill up on the fruit salad, then enjoy our one biscuit with the sausage and gravy, and for some reason, the kids love this as well as hubby and I.

Also, by keeping the precooked veggies handy, I suggest also making lavash (they're huge, 6X9 inches, for 100 calories!) or low cal pita bread pizzas. We also keep turkey pepperoni in the fridge along with the cooked meats. My son loves his with shredded steak already cooked, red peppers and 1/4-1/2 cup low cal/fat cheese with 1/4 cup of pizza sauce. My oldest daughter loves cheese or pepperoni and she's starting to add precooked chicken to hers every so often. I love mushroom and red pepper myself.

Also, precooked chicken- I shred the chicken, add a tablespoon of ranch light salad dressing for a different tasting chicken salad. Add in the lettuce in the wrap, another yummy lunch or dinner.

If you can cook stuff like this ahead of time, perhaps she will eat those foods? I know that my hubby and kids wouldn't make it themselves, but when I have the meat/veggie/fruit ingredients all made up, they use them all right up! :D

As far as exercise, how about just asking her to go for a walk with you? Or a bike ride? Does she like to swim? Maybe join a gym with a pool and just have fun in the pool.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Phoenix, I can empathize with you. I'm the Mom you're talking about. I weighed my highest at 354 pounds, am on oxygen 24/7, and have diabetes out of control. My family was very concerned about my health and my weight. But I have to say that their nagging didn't help, I don't think. It just left me feeling nagged at. You didn't say how heavy your mom is, but I finally got to the point that there were things I just couldn't do because of my size, and I felt horrible because of my blood sugars that were regularly 400 - 600. It was then that I decided for myself, probably after much prayer from my family, that I desperately HAD to do something. And also, one of my doctors said that I HAD TO lose weight or I was not going to live long. That did not seem acceptable to me, so something had to give. It was at that time that I made the conscientious effort to be proactive in my health. I began to learn how to eat healthy. Then after I lost 14 pounds on my own, my doctor recommended that I get a certain book, and follow the diet and lifestyle outlined in that book. I did get that book and have lost now a total of 39 pounds. I have a lot of weight to go, but I now eat extremely healthfully, have regular blood sugars from 80-120, and can do things again that I was not able to do. So bottom line is, your mom is going to have to come to the realization that she NEEDS to do something about her health. Then when she comes to that point, you can help her by teaching her how to eat healthfully. The most important thing you can do until then is PRAY for her to come to that realiztion. I wish you and her my best. I pray that she will realize her need and have the desire in her heart to become proactive in improving her health.

Phoenix,

Good for you that you are concerned for your mom, it is awesome that you love your mom enough to recognize a problem and want to help. I, too, am concerned for my mom and other family members as well. I never feel comfortable talking to my mom or family about it, but the only way I have found to help is to lead by example. Just last night, I was at my mom's and after we ate a not so good dinner :( I was feeling down, and still had not done my night time exercising. So, I told them I was going walking, and they should join me. They really took to it, and my mom and stepdad grabbed their shoes right away!! We walked a couple miles and afterwards they thanked me!!!! They said they could always use the positive encouragement. I've decided to be on a mission to help myself and try to help them by leading. It's a weird role reversal, but I'm ready for the challenge!

Hope this helps, good luck with your parents, and you own weight loss! :)

You could buy passes for yoga classes at the nearest studio for the both of you

Huh?  Yoga classes for the morbidly obese and seriously out-of-shape???? 

All that BS in Hollywood about how pilates made people drop 50lbs must have gotten to some people.

I would recommend something more like a walk.

It's not intensive cardio, and there are different forms of yoga that could be more appropriate. Granted, you can't do ashtanga if you're morbidly obese or seriously out-of-shape - hell, there are people in my classes who are marathon runners and can't do it - but she could try beginner's classes in hatha that focus more on the meditation aspect, or join a class if/when she's simply overweight and not obese. At any rate, it's a way to spend time together that doesn't involve food, which is hard to do with family sometimes.

Also, I do know that the studio I go to offers yoga for people who are obese, seniors, as well as pre- and post- natal yoga. I don't know if classes like that would exist there, but if they did it could be helpful. There's a lot of people out there who will not, can not, and absolutely won't go to any sort of fitness-type thing on a consistent and regular basis if it isn't scheduled and structured.  And there's also a lot of people who don't live in areas that are nice to walk in, especially during the summer.

A walk would probably be better in phoenix121's case, but I was trying to come up with some other ideas.