Worried about upcoming weekend...

Just a quick bit of background - currently on the road to recovery from anorexia, have gone from 87.5 lbs to 110 - 112 lbs (5'2" height) in the last 3.5 months. Glad to be healthier, yet weight gain is not sitting well in my head.

This weekend I have to see my parents and other family members I haven't seen since I was about 100 lbs. And I am terrified. My mother was quite worried about me when i was at my lowest. But seeing as she was part of the problem in my developing an ed (always calling me fat, telling me i needed to lose weight when I was 105 lbs), i've always felt like the other shoe was going to drop. And it kind of has... a couple weeks ago she told me to wear more makeup and put earrings on everyday - to distract people from noticing my weight gain.

I KNOW she is wrong to say this, I know it is harmful, I KNOW i need to get healthy no matter what anyone says. But i'm so scared of gaining more weight as it is. I'm ok at 110 lbs...i know i could be even healthier at 120. But I don't want to gain more weight because I'm scared of what others will say. ANd I  DON"T want to relapse...even though these days, I sometimes find myself restricting. And the funny thing is, even if I do catch myself restricting, my body goes crazy and starts to be RAVENOUS anyway. Not like before when I would go for days at a time only eating 300 cals per day. And the thing is, it was so HARD (emotionally and physically) to gain this weight...i really do still struggle every day...that I don't want to go back to square one.

How do I deal? I dn't even know if I'm making sense. All I know is that I am terrified of what others say...it's already hard enough dealing with my own thoughts.

At some point you have to decide to say 'f*%* you' to what anyone else thinks or says.  Out loud!  And top of that list is your mother.  You've worked really hard to recover from where you were, you know you're doing the right thing and I think you can legitimately look the silly woman in the eye and tell her where she can stick the earrings and make-up.  You wear what the hell you damn well like, you've earned that right. 

(Can you tell this has struck a nerve? ) There are limits and people need to understand where those limits are, what is acceptable to say to you and what is not acceptable.   Channel your anger not back at yourself but where it belongs and you'll feel your self-esteem inflate like a balloon.  Stand up to bullies (and mental bullying is still bullying) and they crumble.  Assertiveness is like oxygen.

You are emphatically not going to go back to square one because you're not stupid, but somewhere in that weight-gain you need to grow some balls....  LOL!   He ad up, chin out, huge smile... your family are going to think you are completely gorgeous.

Yes, assertiveness would be nice. Standing up to my mother is my dream...and I'm 30 years old, (in 3 weeks, eek), married, have a house, a job, etc. and still can't do this.

I need to learn to stop caring about what others say/think about me....but I am finding this to be a big block. I am trying to be more assertive. Trying to understand that people don't like me because i'm a size whatever....and if they do, I shouldn't be in their company anyway. ANd i can't define myself by my size or weight. Just having a hard week I guess. Oh well. It will get better again I hope.

UR DOIN GREAT

. i just wantd to say that. i got frustratd once or twice with u... jus coz i knew the battle u wer havn and its a hard onE.

LOOK HOW FAR UV COME. i know that when u wer driving ur body into the ground and u could feel the burn and the exhaustion, u felt like u wer makn a proper effort. iv ben watchn ur posts about feeling exhausted and not wantn to exercise and i wondered how u wud respond. what u are doin now by LISTENING to ur body takes way way way more strength than any marathon efforts u put in at 90lbs. u are going completely in the face of the eating disordered voice.

OF COURSE its nots easy.... shur its not? OF COURSE its painful.. it was painful getting into that mindset and that weight its going to be that same coming out.... but u are coming out. i can hear it in ur posts. uv so much more insight and strength.. i know ur still in a fog and confusd and a big part of u wants to return to the chaos. il tell u its not so long since i was there too.... but i am further on now. the dust is beginning to settle and on the far side of where u are is tremendous inner strength. honestly dont let anyone throw u off this track, not ur mother, not any mean "friends". stick to your guns. you'll see through this that u are so much more than weight or tone or healthy clean restricted eating. ur brave, honest, very genuine.... and ur nearly there... come on...

UR DOIN GREAT.

etoile

they are all so right!  you have been doing so awesome in your recovery!  youre an inspiration to many on this forum.  i know its hard to believe your own words..but its like what you messaged to carmen a while back.  who the f cares what others think..they dont know you and whats going on inside.  you said yourself, friends and family dont care what you look like..they care about you..the wonderful person inside.  you are such a strong and motivated individual..do not let your mom ever let you think otherwise.  like gi-jane said..dont listen to her and her piddly little comments..on earrings!  c'mon, you are way to smart to believe into what shes telling you.  im sorry that you have such a hard time with her..but maybe we can chalk her comments up to ignorance to your situation?  im sure hurting you with comments like that is the last thing she wants to do, but is just not sensitive to your situation.  but i can understand your anxiety toward this weekend..i know how hard it can be.  i too get very self conscious at family gatherings..wondering what the first thing they think of when they see me.  i try to put it in the back of my thoughts, try to focus on having fun and being social.  its hard..again, easier said than done.  we always know what we should do...but its never easy.  i have to go to my husbands side family reunion at the end of the month, so ill be in your shoes then.  i see them once a year if that, and im sure i was much thinner the last time they saw me.  thinner, yes..happier no. 

try to remember, everything youve accomplished over the past three and half months is sooo awesome!  youre such a strong and determined person and an inspiration to me.   you are doing GREAT!  dont let anyone else let you think otherwise!!!

THank you so much everyone, i feel so supported and your posts have brought tears to my eyes. I know i've come a long way, and I know that ED's voice is knocking pretty loudly right now. Saw my nutritionist last night and she said she thinks i'm on a slippery slope...it scared me. I hadn't realized my restricting habits were creeping back, and it is because I've been terrified of this weekend. It's why i know more than ever I can NOT start with the cardio...I can't go to a gym...i'm not there yet. But man, seeing my untoned tummy and my chubby face, along with my larger-than-normal (normal in this case referring to me when I was "twig girl") arms, is so triggering!!!!!!

I just want to make these voices stop. ANd I want to keep fighting. But it's so hard this week. It's so so hard....I just need a small push from myself again. I need to remember why I'm doing this, why we're ALL trying to recover.

Wait - i know why. Because we're all so worth it. And ED is so NOT.

You..we..are all worth it!  ed can go to h3ll!!!!!  remember how miserable ed makes us feel and none of us want that.  why would we?  it doesnt gain us anything in the end.  you have done soooo well the past months and youve gained so much strength and happiness knowing you can kick this in the ass!  (ooh..can i say that..sorry ;P ).. 

we are doing this to LIVE..remember.  your own exact words.  i take that word to heart because thats what i want as well.  to live and enjoy life to the fullest.  to have time in the day to think about things other than food and calories..and exercise.  to know that there are more important things in our lives..family, friends, good times. 

i know how loud the ed voices can be..in fact hes yelling at me today for enjoying a couple sips of banana chocolate milk shake last nite.. (how could i resist..the bartender gave us a small one for free!).  but i knew ed would be angry today, which he is, and i took careful measures to sip a half a strawful at a time..and so i tell myself today, its okay.  its not going to ruin everything.  in fact, etoile, i took out your post (you know which one) and read it..it still makes me feel better.  LIVE..you are living..and starting to enjoy all that you used to again.  keep it up..i know you can get through this difficult time.  i know you can.. 

I also want to commend you on your recovery!  I've read your posts throughout the past 3 months & although you may have struggled at some point or thought you were taking two steps back, you have ALWAYS faced your eating disorder with determination &a mp; have come out stronger in the end.  As far as going to the family gathering this weekend, I bet all of them will be more thrilled to see you & enjoy being in your company rather than to noticing your current size--with or without earrings!  Be proud of yourself--like everyone else has said, you have come a long way.

ok first off Hun,

I TOTALLY understand that CRAZY mom issue. My mother makes me feel HORRIBLE about how i look. she always says "you look bad, you look sick, you like looking this way? what is wrong with you? go eat something? did you eat? you didn't eat enough"

Even though she knows about my medical condition and how difficult it is to gain my mother still is the one that makes me feel miserable being underweight and struggle to shovel in as many calories as i can without kicking in my symptoms of sever intestinal pain and heart rate drop etc.

Parents will  NEVER change they are OLD and STUCK IN THERE WAYS. So YOU have to BLOCK HER STUPID WORDS OUT..

your mom, is throwing her concerns about HER OWN IMAGE on YOU. as a way to make YOU the PROBLEM and not HERSELF!

so whenever your mom makes a comment about how you look..just feel sorry for her. she is probably paranoid about her own image so much that it rubs off onto you..it's NOT YOU. it is HER. yes amother wants to help her child in any way that she can, but sometimes they just dont know how to and as a result end up doing and causing more damage rather than remedying a situation.

So if she says anything like "wear more makeup" or "you gained weight" etc. LAUGH it off to yourself and just feel sorry for her. You stay strong and you get healthy don't let anyone make you feel like you look bad, aren't trying hard enough etc. Becuae no one is you but you therefore no one truly understands the struggle it is to go through what you are going through and have gone through. stay strong and good luck!

~Tiff