Worst. weekend. ever

I decided I need to see a therapist, officially.

Ive been doing good, letting myself have little treats. So Friday night, after dinner, I kind of want a cookie, but not really. I was still hungry so I had a bowl of cereal. Still thinking about the cookie.

So finally Im like Im going to chew and spit so I dont get teh calories (WHY?! one cookie is 50 cals!) So anyway I do that.

Then my friend Jeff comes over, and we smoke. I knew it was a bad idea. I binged out. I had some twix, alot of cereal, snickers bar, two packs of oatmeal, who knows what else and oreos dipped in peanut butter AND chocolate icing.

I throw up.

So the next day, I wake up, have a normal breakfast. Decide to eat like 10 bowls of cereal, and throw up again.

So dinner rolls around and Im hungry. I have some tuna with mayo and a 100 cal pack of almonds. Then Im still hungry so I have a bowl of Special K red berries. Bad idea. This leads to binges.

SO HERE I GO AGAIN.

More cereal, more oatmeal, more cookies and peanut butter and pretzels and icing.

PUKEPUKEPUKE

So I go out last night. Drinking, whatever. My friends smoking, I don't want to, but of course I'm like JUST a little bit.

And that's all it took. I start binging again. Went to Wawa. Got the 100cal pack Stella Doro Cookies, some snackwells, diet rootbeer, and some sugar free cookies. As if that wasn't enough, we go to BK, whopper jr. no cheese no mayo, small fry, small vanilla milkshake. THEN i get home. 3 more cookies, the rest of the chocolate icing, and some peanut butter.

But my body hurts, so this time, I DIDN'T throw up.

I didn't want the food. I don't know why I did it. I feel like it all started with me restricting that ONE cookie Friday night. and look what it led to. I'm glad I didn't throw up though. 

My body is in so much pain.

Part of this is my breakup with my ex boyfriend almost two months ago. We still keep in touch, hang out sometimes. He knows about it. And its a coping mechanism. I miss him alot

I need to seek help. I'm so scared for myself. I've spent all morning crying.

I usually do so well. ALL week. then the weekend comes, and I'm thinking about what he's doing, I upset myself, I want food, I say no, so then I eat it ALL. 

Please give me any feedback.

your last line is the key (the one before the feedbk)

did you ever hear of a CBT model? its a cognative behavioral model. used often in depression and bipolar and anxiety groups and programmes.and now more so in eating disorder programmes. draw a cross + on a sheet. in the right top corner goes "thought" below it goes "emotion" , on the left bottom goes "physical response" and on the top left goes "behavioural response"

thought is ??.. im not sure... only you know that

emotion is? sadness, anger, fear? again you know that

physical response is urge to eat???

behavioural response is first to restrict .. which starts a new cycle

cycle 2. Thought ??... again you need to figure that out (what do you start to think when you decide to restrict?)

Emotion? what emotion accompanies this decision? fear of failing in restriction, fear of pain of starvation?

physical response??? what happens physicall just before you start eating? do you get fast heart rate? fast breathing?

behavioual response? you binge.

this cycle perpetuates itself. this things arent happening of their own accord. but you need to take time to sit and look at what your feeling and thinking. this cycle stops if you interject at any point. but you need to figure out what to interject with or where to interject. like its prob not approriate to supress the emotion, but it might be helpful to not decide in the first cycle to restrict.

you need to take a little time to figure whats happening in your head 1st  

Hun, i'm the same way. I have great weeks and when the weekend comes, i know i'm going to be hanging out with my boyfriend so my mind goes into sabatoge mode. i won't even be hungry, and then i'll eat and eat and eat! i honestly don't know what to do about myself, but i hope therapy goes well for you with this.

thanks fidget. i never heard of the model, but im going to try it.

and you are right. i KNOW what i am doing wrong. i've finally begun to realize it, which is the first step. and now the next step is to INTERJECT.

emotion - sadness, crying

thought - chocolate will make me feel good

thought 2 - chocolate, wont help in the long run, dont eat it

thought 3 - screw it, eat it all and puke

i need to get rid of thought 3. thought 2 is rational, because it WONT help

i need to find distractions. maybe next time i have these thoughts ill go for a drive. listen to music. something. anything.

the question is - how do i TRULY NOT use food as a coping mechanism?

it just scares me because i know what throwing up does to my body. i had acute gastritis a couple weeks ago, and now i'm experiencing acid reflux and chest pain and all that goes with it. i've seen scary pictures. but i allow myself to do it. i just want to STOP. i know i'm so much stronger than this!!! and i hate myself after i do it, which leads to more cycles

times like these i find that like i wish i never got into nutrition, etc. i was so much happier before. but i look so much better now. but is it worth it? and now that i know so much, i cant go back to my old ways. i need to find a happy medium

:(:(:(

Just a suggestion, and I'm not saying that this is the main cause.... but you might want to lay off the weed for a while. I'm not a zomgwtfbbq drugs r bad kind of person but weed has been know to trigger anxiety. I know that I used to develop feelings of self-loathing and general anxiety after both smoking too much and smoking for a prolonged amount of time. If you already have food issues, I would think that the combination of the munchies and possible anxiety would be really bad. Stopping smoking for a while to see if it helps it might be something to consider.

I know. I don't smoke weed alot, trust me. I used to alot, with my ex boyfriend, and he stopped, so I did. and at that point I was used to it so I didn't binge and all that. But now that I'm not used to it, and I'm struggling with the disorder- it worsens. So you're definitely right. But I don't want to sound like a pothead. You're definitely right though. Thanks

Aww, it sounds like mindless binge eating has a terrible hold over you and is making your life utter misery!

It must feel awful to eat bowels of cereal and chocolate when your not hungry, you poor thing.

As a recovered binge eater who has lost all urges to binge and had not binged in over a month, I’m going to share what helped me break the binge cycle

Once you start it is VERY HARD to stop!

After dinner, when you felt hungry, you should have just had the cookie. And stopped. If you were still genuinely hungry, then have another one, fine. But just stop after that. People get hungry, it is normal, so just eat what you crave and be done with it, that is s step towards NORMAL eating.

It helped me a LOT when I started to fill up on a lot of healthy food that gave my body what it needed, so this removed the PHYSICAL urge to binge; if your body is not getting what it needs then it will crave certain foods and make you physically want to binge.

Eliminating the emotional and non physical triggers were MUCH, SO MUCH easier once the physical urge to binge stopped!

So, if your body is satisfied when your friend comes around and you cannot resist a smoke with him, you have your emotional urges to deal with WITHOUT any genuine physical need to binge.

You can then challenge yourself, by telling yourself “ I am not physically hungry, but I feel like food for the enjoyment, so if I really want a cookie, I will have 1 or 2 at the most and STOP”

It is much better to fill up on normal regular meals and to have a few cookies then it is to eat/binge/ erratically through out the day and end up having 10 bowels of cereal after you smoke.

You will need to fight hard to be able to act normally and have a cookie or 2 after you smoke or when you truly crave them without it leading to a binge but the more you successfully do it the easier it will get eventually.

I find that when I was nasty to my body, then I rebelled and had the chocolate or cookie any way; if you tell yourself you cannot have what you fancy occasionally because you body will suddenly get fat because of one treat, then you are likely to rebel against your harsh view of yourself and say SCREW IT, it is not fair!” and binge.

If you know a lot about nutrition, then you can do better then having a can of tuna with mayo and almonds for dinner!

If you don’t eat a balanced adequate dinner then of course you will feel hungry, and then you feel bad about eating more, which leads to a binge.

Try breaking the cycle by having a larger, more balanced dinner and then you are less likely to be hungry later, and if you are, you will be satisfied with far less then a bowel of cereal! Heck, even have a cookie, they are only 50 calories after all!

all i'm going to say is its good you recognize that this is no way to go through every weekend.  i agree that you should definitely go get therapy.  also, personaltrainer is right, because eating too little for meals sets yourself up.  you're going to have to learn to eat real balanced meals through therapy.  its not going to be easy, but it'll be so worth it.  good luck.

I do not want to sound like a "know it all" or to lecture you.... but,

get rid of all of the junk in your kitchen! (if it isn't around, you can't eat it!) Make a RULE to NEVER go to the Wawa or 7/11. (believe it or not, I haven't bought ANYTHING at a convenience store in over 20 years--except when driving across the country--and even then I usually don't buy anything!!) 

Why not hang out with friends that have better habits? Get a new boyfriend to help you forget the ex.

why not get active (play tennis, go hiking, skiing, etc) instead of hang out and smoke and eat?

and I agree with the above post, eat lots of healthy food so you are already full and won't feel hungry and binge.

Good luck!

i live at home, with my parents and 16 year old brother, so i really do not have a choice as to whats in my kitchen.

the weekend thing was my fault. i ate almonds and tuna because i thought it would keep me full at low calorie, because i felt guilty about my previous binging and purging. it was stupid

the ex boyfriend thing- now THATS hard. ive obviously been dating other people, but im still in love with him. food has always been a coping mechanism, unfortunately for me, but now that i try and stay healthy its hard.

and i dont' SMOKE and eat all the time. i hardly ever smoke, and i mean there really isnt anything to do in the town im from at 10pm. and im young and i want to live! im only 19! i am active most of the time. i go running and we have a house in the poconos. im not knocking any of your suggestions, but i guess it is hard when you don't know my full story and background

Girl, hang in there! Going to talk to someone is the first step and I wish the best for you. There are a lot of great resources on here; disregard the people commenting for the sake of commenting.