Xenical .. Long term use/ abuse

I started taking xenical (Fat blocker) in 2002 and have been using it off and on for going on six years.

I have gone through stages where i rarely use it and then months where i use it every day:(.

It has been my dirty little secret and i know that its abuse simply because i *know* Xenical is designed for Obese people, and at 5'3, my weight ranges from 110lbs to 125 on average.

I have never taken more than five in a day (3 is the recommended daily amount, ie one with three meals daily). 

The 'side affects' of xenical are quite disgusting (orange fat out with stools), but when it comes to weight gain/loss... People like me will tolerate disgusting things in order to not gain weight.  I have never purged and dont take laxatives but i think in many ways xencial has been my 'bullimia".. as i will take one after a fatty meal and feel a lot less guilty.

I am most concerned about what damage the Xenical has done to my health long-term.  Mostly my liver and my intestines (from all the 'fat' that was sent straight through me).

I had blood tests recently and my liver enzymes weren't elevated to any level of concern and no 'red flags' were shown.   I can't help but wonder about my intestines and colon and if the 'fat' is trapped to the walls and will eventually cause bowel cancer.  Without giving TMI, the 'fat' is extremely difficult to even clean from a toilet bowl.. so i can't even imagine what its done to my insides:((

I get very depressed about this and its something that i often cry about.

I am asking for advice and support and perhaps somebody knows if there is a way for me to find out if there is any damage done? or if it can be rectified.

I have only taken 3 xenicals in about 2 months now as i have weaned myself off them.. Still...the damage is probably done:(( and that thought makes me think 'what the hell' may as well take another one because if bowel cancer is in my future, i may as well be thin now.  Terrible way to think, but dont know how else to think if the damage truly IS done.

I think this is something you're going to have to talk to a qualified doctor about.  They're not going to judge your past behaviour, with any luck, but they can tell you whether there are any long-term implications and give you a physical check if necessary.  They'll also be able to discuss with you the irrational fears you have about weight-gain that led you down this route and maybe suggest some form of therapy.

Thanks GI.... Interestingly i have spoken to several GPS.. here and in my home country and not one of them has been 'concerned' for long-term damages, only simply that i 'dont need them'.

I think the above advice has been what spurred me to keep taking them in desperate times because i feel like they would have told me if it was 'disastrous' for my health.

I am in therapy and its been wonderful in terms of identifying and facing some of the reasons for my 'irrational fear of gaining weight'... i'm a huge advocate of therapy.   Again, my therapist tells me 'i dont need weight loss drugs', which of course is obvious.

I guess i just wish when trying to find out about xenical and its long-term affects, i dont keep hitting brick walls... Perhaps its just too early to know, as not enough people have been taking it 'long-term' to really see the consequences.  I need something to give me a jolt into throwing them out though..

If disgusting orange oil that needs to be scraped off the toilet bowl isn't enough of a 'jolt' I don't know what is.  Maybe if you understood that they're not really helping you lose any weight?  Even obese people don't necessarily lose all that much weight using Xenical.  It's the very low-fat diet (and therefore reduced calorie diet) they're advised to follow that provides most of the loss.  I think you're going to have to throw them out and forget about them otherwise you're kind of wasting your and your therapists time... . 

As pathetic as it sounds, i know i'm addicted to them and the thought of throwing them out brings about a lot of anxiety.  I have thrown them out before, but tend to go buy some more (easily sold over the counter here) post binge.

I guess its a bit like telling a bullimic to 'quit purging' or 'quit taking laxatives'... easier said than done.. but then again, i chose not to do these things because i read about the severe damage they both do to your body.   I guess i'm looking to find similar info on xenical to scare me.  When i read that xenical blocks 30% of you fat (and i see the evidence of this), as well as no real evidence that it will hurt me.. its a very difficult thing to give up.

As far as the 'disgusting' factor... i guess the only reason it doesn't bother me, the same reason fishing cake out of the bin and eating it during a binge doesn't bother me is because during that 'binge mode' .. my self esteem is in the toilet along with xenical's hard work.

I am only just starting to face my fears with this and wish there was a "xenical anonymous" site... as i did not know it would be so hard to give up... its an addiction like anythingelse... and I have no excuses for it, other than i'm being very weak!!

Thanks for your responses so far Gi-Jane, they are sensible suggestions to what i know are irrational behavioral patterns.