My 12 y/o son wants to cut a rug- update

All year long my son's been asking to go to the school dances and my hub and I decided that he was not allowed to go due to several reasons. For example, the school is K-12 and the dances are for grades 6-12. I know a lot of the older teens and wouldn't want my impressionable son getting any ideas from them (sooner than he's going to anyways). Also, last year there was a big bust at the school- a bunch of grade niners were caught with alcohol in their lockers with the purpose of boot legging for the dance that was going on that evening.

This Thursday is the last dance of the year and he's asked to go again. And I'm pretty sure we'll let him because I called the school and they said they'd be more than happy to have me there as a supervisor.

It's not a matter of not trusting my son, it's a matter of not trusting the other kids.

What's your thoughts/experiences?

Update

He went to the dance and I went as a supervisor. He had a great time. At any given point there were 11 supervisors, most teachers, a few parents. There were some extra adults that were there for part of the evening as well, including 2 RCMP officers.

I saw him intermittently throughout the evening- he mostly hung out in the younger kids section of the dance hall and I was over where the older teens were.

Next year I would have no problem letting him go without me there as a supervisor (although I would consider going to help).

Thanks everyone :)

My parents used to come along as supervisors at parties/during trips when I was a kid. I now realise it lead to me being more introverted at such events and not having any deep friendships during those years.

As a teen, my parents were still much more overprotective than most, which resulted in a lot of resentment towards them. However, I still managed to make my way around their rules and do my fair share of mistakes before I finally decided to wise up and grow up. Now I don`t have such strong negative feelings towards them anymore, but just the memory of what it felt like at times makes me cringe.

My point is that while being careful is okay, be sure not to smother your child, or you`ll miss out on a lot of affection in the years to come, and he might end up with a few emotional scars. No matter how fool-proof your education system is, he`ll undoubtedly find loopholes if he really wants to.

Just to clarify, I`m not criticizing you in any way. You sound like a great mom, and I`m sure I`d also be overly concerned about this if I were in your shoes.

Yeah, I kinda wondered how he might be with me there. I don't  think it'll make any negative difference, because we get along really well and his friends all know me and stuff.

This past winter I went as a helper for the skiing trip his middle school took. I went out of concern for him (first time skier) but I love to ski so went for my own enjoyment as well. I saw him in passing for most of the day (staying with other kids that needed help) but he and some friends wanted to ski with me for the last hour of the day. It worked out well. He even wanted me to go back on the bus with the students instead of me traveling with the woman I went with.

Maybe he's a bit of a "momma's boy" :S  ...that might be a whole other thread!

First, I do agree with you that it seems a little bit ... odd that they'd have all ages at a school dance.  I would probably be a little worried, myself, if I had a 12-year-old attending a dance with people as old as 18 (even though it is a school function, I know things can still happen.)  I'd think the kids themselves would have more fun if they broke it down into two age groups, but what do I know?  :)

But at the same time, I offer this question: Have you sat down with your son and had an open discussion with him about making choices?  About drugs and alcohol?  About responsibility?  About being able to come to you for any reason?  He's at the age now where he is capable of taking responsibility for his actions.

I know he's "only 12" and I know there are a ton of temptations out there, but I don't know if the best solution to your challenge is to be present at the dance.  At some point, you're going to have to trust that he can handle whatever the "other kids" throw his way.  Don't get me wrong, it's good of you to volunteer your time to help supervise the dance, but are you going to supervise dances for his entire school career just so you can keep an eye on "the other kids?"  Or are you going to give him some room to make decisions on his own, without his mom hovering in the area?

If you haven't already done so, talk to him and find out where his head is at when it comes to being able to talk to you, to drugs, alcohol, relationships, choices, etc.  If he seems to be on solid ground, let him go to the dance.  If not, then you're his mom and you know better than anyone what his best interests are. 

Good luck.  I know this stuff is never easy and it's never black and white, either.  :)

I do agree with your concern. Its deff. odd that a school has 6-12th graders at a school dance. In my old school system, 6th graders got one end of yr dance and 7th and 8th graders had one dance per quarter (both grades could attend), only 9-12 were able to mix but the only real dances were 10th grade semi, 11th grade prom and 12th grade prom. Our school only held a dance for each grade so you had to be invited by some one in order to go and anyone in grades under 9th couldnt go.

When I was your sons age my parents chaparoned my band trips which I didnt mind I thought it was kool cause I didnt need to worry about dealing with a teachers rules. Maybe if you do go to the dance keep your distance and watch from far away. that way he doesnt feel like your smothering him.

I can see why they have a middle/high combined dance, as we live in the boonies and there are only (give or take) 20 kids per grade. But you're right about the age differences- there are kids that have failed grades so there might even be the odd 19/20 year olds!

We've talked a bit about drugs/alcohol/sex (more about the latter than the first two). He still comes to me and talks very openly about anything (I'm enjoying it while it lasts!).

I trust him, but when older teens I know (who aren't bad but who act in ways that aren't fitting -imo- for a 12 y/o) tell me that they'll "take care of him" and "watch out for him", I envision them inviting him to hang around their friends where there is a lot of sexual innuendos and bad language.

It's hard to repress the urge to hold on tight and protect my little guy! I know how important it is to cut the apron strings a few threads at a time, but I don't want to cut too much too soon.

Thanks for the different perspectives!

I think it's great that you're going to go as a supervisor.  It gives him a chance to go to the dance!  I do think it's unfortunate that there's going to be such a large range of ages.  My kids schools have always hosted two dances, one for the younger kids in the first few hours, then one for the older kids.  There was an overlap of sorts so parents could decide where there kids might fit in best.  Obviously small schools don't have that ability.

School dances are usually fairly tame in my experience, and the parents that go seem to enjoy themselves as much as the kids :)  Have fun!

jeez, let the kid grow up, he doesn't need mommy following him every step of the way

I think 12 is old enough to go to a supervised school dance. Just make sure he understands he's not to leave the premises with other kids if they try to get him to. Though I suspect the older kids would be more interested in socializing with the kids from their own grade than the younger ones. But by 12 a kid ought to be allowed to live a little and start broadening their experiences. 

Original Post by qmwillcand:

I can see why they have a middle/high combined dance, as we live in the boonies and there are only (give or take) 20 kids per grade. But you're right about the age differences- there are kids that have failed grades so there might even be the odd 19/20 year olds!

We've talked a bit about drugs/alcohol/sex (more about the latter than the first two). He still comes to me and talks very openly about anything (I'm enjoying it while it lasts!).

I trust him, but when older teens I know (who aren't bad but who act in ways that aren't fitting -imo- for a 12 y/o) tell me that they'll "take care of him" and "watch out for him", I envision them inviting him to hang around their friends where there is a lot of sexual innuendos and bad language.

It's hard to repress the urge to hold on tight and protect my little guy! I know how important it is to cut the apron strings a few threads at a time, but I don't want to cut too much too soon.

Thanks for the different perspectives!

If as you stated above he is openly coming to you and talking about issues that concern then give him the latitude to make these decisions on his own for this dance.  Give him a cell phone and tell him if anything makes you uncomfortable then call me no questions asked and I'll pick you up.  You cant chaparone other people's children for the rest of his life and at some point we parents have to let our children choose their own path.  As long as we have placed those skills into our children and raised them properly they will do fine on their own.

And you and your son will feel a great sense of accomplishment when he comes home and talks to you about whatever happened.

Original Post by canadaleaf:

jeez, let the kid grow up, he doesn't need mommy following him every step of the way

you're right, he doesn't. But I suspect that you're looking at it only through a teens eyes.

When he was learning how to ride a 2 wheeler bike, I didn't tell him to climb on then give him a big push down a hill. When he was learning how to swim I didn't push him into the deep end and let him flounder.

A parents job is to protect their child and equip them to be independent, well-balanced adults. I am letting him have more freedom, more responsibility, but you ease into it, just as you would ease into a freezing cold pool- a little at a time. When you're comfortable and ready to move another step forward, you do so.

coffin- I think you're right about the older kids sticking to their own age/grade level. I doubt they would bother the little kids.

I feel like such a worry wart! :D

I think you are right in wanting to protect him, especially as he will be one of the youngest kids there in a group of many older (almost adult) kids.  Allowing him to go while you are one of the chaparones is a good idea.  I would caution you though to allow him to go into the dance on his own or with his friends, not at your side, and for you to make youself scarce in his presence.  Obviously, do your job as chaparone and keep an eye on him, as well, but do so from afar and as inconspicuously as possible so that the other kids do not realize that his mother is even there.  Good luck

You need to establish trust with your child, and that needs to go both ways.  Your child shouldn't get to go to a dance until he's shown you that he's trustworthy on his own.  At the same time, when he HAS demonstrated that maturity, you should let him go on his own and truly trust him to act how you know him to act.  There shouldn't be that weird middle area where you're letting him go, but making it clear that you still don't really trust him, as that just breeds resentment.  My parents made it very clear that I had to earn their trust.  If I let my parents know where I was and followed the house rules, I was allowed more responsibility.  If I went out and didn't call, or let my grades slip in favor of having a social life, etc., my activities were limited.  As a result, I grew up as a very responsible kid.  I never drank or did drugs, and didn't have an intimate relationship until my senior year, at which point I went to my parents and talked to them about what responsibilities that entailed.

Children can't develop a strong sense of responsibility if they aren't entrusted with some, and they can't become independent if you're always acting as their safety net.  Trust your son, assuming he's earned it, until he gives you a reason to rescind that trust.

You cannot shield a child from the bad in this world. It's impossible. My parents attempted to and nothing but bad happened and in the end I lost out on the good (like going to school dances). Alcohol or not, if he's gonna underage drink he's gonna do it with or without attending a dance.

Hm. The behavior expectations and rules should be clearly outlined. I suggest that you serve as a chaperon at the dance. There's nothing wrong with that so long as you know your boundaries. Don't tail gate your son while he's there. Stay back. :) That way it doesn't look like his mother is his date. Or: Feel awkward for him. It's important not to set the poor boy up to be teased by friends/others.

Just stay out of his way but close enough to regulate the conditions/behavior if needed. Some people attend as“chaperons” or as. “parents.” Either way: That's a clear option/solution to your concern that you shouldn't overlook.

There's nothing wrong with being an active parent.

( Just don't make him dress to ' match ' you. Or: Make him dance with you. Or: Crowd his friends/him. Don't hawk-eye him either. )

Just: Be there... but... Not OBVIOUSLY there! Lol! Enter separately. Let him make his way inside while you park the car for example. Plan ahead to meet at a certain exit door. Or: Back at the car when the dance ends. It's not a big deal to attend as a chaperon or a parent :)

Btw: My parents attended dances/events as “chaperons” or as “parents.” They were lucky enough to be able to do that with me and my older siblings. In turn I chaperoned for my little sisters dances/events. My parents couldn't for my younger siblings so I did it for them. For me: It was like when one of your parents guided a group on a field-trips. Or: Any other event. Only less involved than that in all actuality. They kept each other occupied and weren't seemingly only watching me. They were watching everyone there enjoying themselves too. :)  I lost them a few times. I remember trying to show one of my friends my parents, etcetera... and  I couldn't find them for the life of me. :) Only to notice they were dancing together on the floor. Or: Watching other kids. Or: Something else. They were just sorta ' there ' from my perspective. It didn't start with a ' dance ' though. I think the first thing my parents latched on to was a zoo trip. I was thrilled! =-P Or: The Parent Teacher Association. My parents always joined parent/teacher groups and helped with events. That's all. It was just like they were another couple there. A couple that happened to be my parents as well. Lol!  I think it's great to be an active parent. I never saw it as something they did out of a lack of trust. They didn't attend every single event/dance. . .Just almost every one. Lol! One of them was there! Or: Both if possible.

They were active parents... and that's good memories. Good times!

As a parent who chapperoned EVERY dance my kids had from 5th grade on, I think it depends on how you explain it to your kids and your behavior once there.  I let both my kids know that I would be there, and my goal was to ensure the safety of ALL the kids there - not just mine.  I would come, monitor the behavior of everyone there - if I saw something out of line, correct it etc.  Occasionally some of the older boys would ask me to dance (I think this was to irritate my son more than anything) but I would dance with the group and then let them start harassing each other once it was over.

I kept my eye on my own kids only to the point that I would have any other kid - and they never seemed to mind/resent my presence.

Is this a really really small town? If so then chaperoning may be the best choice, if not then may I suggest you get more involved and coordinate age appropriate social events for your son and his peers. Check with the school and get on the PTO board and start having dances for children your sons age, say like 4, 5, 6 grades only.

I have 4 boys ages 22-9 so I know your fears about your son hanging out with older boys, BUT you cannot shield him from everything and it is really not fair to make him miss out on social activities. My son goes to the movies with girls and boys his age (13) and to the local bowling alley,  game rooms, etc. They go in groups and when there are dances he goes to all of those too. It is very age appropriate as we have a large group of parents who plan and work at giving our kids good social skills while keeping it age appropriate at the same time. I am very frank and honest with my boys about drinking, drugs, sex etc. That is the best prevention in the long run.

I think you may be making a bigger mistake by forbidding these activites all together. Everyone wants what they can't have. Believe me if they are going to get into trouble they won't need a teen dance to do it. That is why I suggest you taking the lead and organizing productive events for them to keep them busy.

Original Post by divaangelic2:

As a parent who chapperoned EVERY dance my kids had from 5th grade on, I think it depends on how you explain it to your kids and your behavior once there.  I let both my kids know that I would be there, and my goal was to ensure the safety of ALL the kids there - not just mine.  I would come, monitor the behavior of everyone there - if I saw something out of line, correct it etc.  Occasionally some of the older boys would ask me to dance (I think this was to irritate my son more than anything) but I would dance with the group and then let them start harassing each other once it was over.

I kept my eye on my own kids only to the point that I would have any other kid - and they never seemed to mind/resent my presence.

 Kudos to you! That's fantastic. I had friends that were jealous of my parents. They actually wished they had parents like mine.

I'm confused.

why does your son want to cut this rug?

I'm from Canada, and here a "rug" is a peice of carpet that you put over hardwood or tile flooring.. this title is misleading.

couldn't you say "my 12 year old son want's to dance"?

...

Personally, I don't much care for kids. I don't have any and don't ever plan to.  I'm not a young teen myself, but having your mommy supervising seems like a pretty good way to ruin an evening. He wants to go have fun with his friends, and maybe dance with a couple girlies, and I'm sure he'd rather not have you there watching his every move like a hawk. Don't be so protective, if you supervise he is just going to be set up to be ridiculed as a "momma's boy", do you really want to be the cause of your childs bruised self esteem?

Besides there will probably be other supervisors there anyways, and extra caution this time since there was alcohol involved at the last dance. Depriving him of this experience will just cause for problems.

When he got home from school today, we talked about drugs and alcohol and how he would handle certain situations. We also talked about what my role would be as a supervisor, that I would be there not just to watch him, but all of the kids (as divaangelic2 mentioned).

Thanks everyone for the advice and suggestions!

Let him go, especially if many of his friends get to. I mean, c'mon, you said there were 20 kids per grade? You can know the names and phone numbers of every kid at that rate, so what do you really think is going to happen?

And the reason he is a "momma's boy" is because he isn't being allowed to be anything else. If he is the good, honest, sweet kid you have raised him to be, then I don't think spending one night at a dance is going to change that. If it does, then you haven't instilled the type of courage, integrity, and personal fortitude that you should of. So, by not letting him go you are just not letting your parenting and guidance be tested.

P.S. When I was 12 my mother let me travel the world, study abroad in Japan, learn Russian and all around have whatever adventures I could. The greatest thing she could have ever done for me. And you won't let him go to his *school* dance. I doubt he'll thank you for that later.