Yet another cry for help.

I am 18 and I first decided to recover from my eating disorder of (now almost) 5 years in December of last year. To cut a long story short I did reach my goal weight, only to be so bloody dimwitted enough to slide all the way back down since April. My BMI is now at around 16.5, I can't eat a full meal without purging (sorry about the mentioning of ED behaviours, but I feel it's best to be blunt.) and I have now reached the point where I am pissed off at myself for choosing to give in yet again. I've had enough, I am scared for my life and I want to eat a meal like a normal bloody person, and not feel the need to burn off a snack.

But the stupidly weak little girl that I am is scared **** about water weight, about metabolism and all that crap that I wish I never had to think about. Also, I am extremely short..just under 4'10, and I feed off of the whole "petite in height HAS to equal tiny in size). I believe that I need to look tiny in order to look normal for my height. I hate that I think this. I hate it. I want energy, I want my face to have colour and not be so hollowed out. I am so conflicted at the moment.

Also, I am ready to stop purging. But I'm scared..how long does it take for the body to get used to having adequate amounts of food in it? I tried eating properly in the recent past but I would get so uncomfortably full that that would even trigger the urge to purge. Any suggestions for this?

I don't even know what I'm saying here. These are just some of my messed up thoughts spilling out.  I am just angry at myself for getting this deep yet again. Also, I'm sorry for triggering anyone and I really hope someone can help/kick my ass verbally/give me the reality check I need.

Thank you

You need some help from professionals.  All this site can offer you is moral support but to answer your questions properly and to give you the tools and treatment you need to recover, you really need medical assistance.   With your BMI so low now your life is at risk and you should go straight to a doctor and ask them to intervene.  You may need hospital treatment in the first instance to get you out of the danger zone.

Thanks for your quick reply. I get weighed weekly by my GP and two weeks ago following a drop in weight I was given a week to gain or else I'd be sent to hospital. I since gained 1 kilogram so I avoided that, and if possible I'd honestly prefer to gain and get healthier at home.

But you're struggling to do it at home because you're purging... and, as you know, that's very dangerous in itself.   You're calling yourself a 'stupidly weak little girl' and you say you are 'conflicted'.   Frankly, I think you're asking too much of yourself in your current state to pull yourself out of the mire single-handed and all you're achieving is anger and frustration.

Despite the fact that you've gained 1kg I think you should go back to your doctor and explain what's really going on e.g the purging and your state of mind.   Hospital care can be a very positive experience, especially if you really want to recover...   People who are admitted against their wishes are the ones who find it a bad experience.  You wouldn't be one of those people and I think you'd thrive in the environment.  For one thing, you'd have much easier access to all kinds of people (psychologists, therapists, dieticians) that could help you with the problems you're facing and give you practical techniques to cope and to progress.  On the spot expert help rather than weekly visits to a GP who is only generally qualified.  I think that's the reality-check you asked for....  

I am sorry about your struggles. Ok first thought is that you have to stop living in the past and beating yourself up. This helps in no way right now. This is very dangerous being so low weight and purging. I understand your fears but you have to stop today. If you can't then you need more support. So if you want to do it in the real world and not be in the hospital then that needs to be your goal. Can you stop today and work your way back up to 2500 at least to get to a healthy bmi? Many people change disorders or addictions because they have not faced what the underlying issues are. They just use another form of self destruction to cope or not. There will be comflicts between the ed voice and the healthy but you have to push through till the healthy outweighs the ed. You are going to feel uncomfortable with full and bloating/edema. This is a given in recovery from bulimia/anorexai. Your body is depeleted of fluids and part of why bulimia is so hard to recover from because one can gain a lot of water which is scary but will settle down when you remain healthy. The support both mentally and physically is why a hospital is suggested. I am not saying to or not to go though in medical concern I think it is a need. So I guess I will ask you are you able and willing to sit through the fears and discomfort? Are you able to do it fully today?

I know I have to stop, I honestly cannot see myself living the next five years if I don't stop. It's 12.02AM right now (I'm in Australia) and I'm ready to push up to 2500 as soon as I wake up in the morning. But I'm worried that once I reach the healthy weight I'll get depressed and slide back down again. I want this cycle to end. Does it take a long long time for the water weight to settle?I know gaining is a good thing but I don't want to keep gaining and never stop because my body isn't used to having food in it. I'm willing to do this again, I did it at home once before although my weight hadn't gotten as low. I see a psycologist fortnightly and he is helping me also.

I am reading and I don't know what to say exactly.

I'm fearful of water weight, I'm fearful of weight gain. I'm fearful of a lot of it. I'm not as low on the BMI scale as you are but I'm underweight and underweight as a whole isn't healthy, so I'm gaining.

When you start eating and letting your body digest it, you feel better. You have to go with that. Throw away the scale and don't look at the number when someone else weighs you. Try to focus on the feeling, the feeling of being alive, of feeling energetic, of not hurting so much.

Purging creates water imbalances and causes water to be retained in your intestines, so your body's water issues are already in play. The issues from starting to eat again shouldn't be exaggerated or anything.

Are you sedentary? Did you purge via activity? It's important to rest as much as possible.

You just have to remember.... the dangers of doing it at home are that you can slip verrrrrrry easily after not having made much progress, you know? Just think about it. If they want to hospitalize you at some point, it isn't a bad thing. It's a helpful thing.

Thanks for replying bsh0611, and congratulations on deciding to choose health.

I'll take that advice on board - focusing on how good I'll feel when eating properly again, rather than the number. When I attempted recovery last year, I gained a lot of weight as soon as I started eating 2500..I'm anxious about my reaction to the weight gain this time. Although I expect it, and it's needed, so I should perhaps look at it as a GOOD thing, regardless of how quickly I gain.

I'm not exactly sedentary - one of my issues is compulsive exercising.

Everyone who has replied to this thread have made me see hospitalization is not bad at all,  and I am prepared to go if I do slip.

I would recommend inpatient therapy since you've already given it a try alone. Your health is more important than your pride and it takes a lot to admit you need help and accept it.

You have to stop worrying about the end result and think about what you can do in this moment to get better. Getting too caught up on the future can be debilitating and stop your progress before it even begins. 

If you need support please feel free to message me but honestly consider seeing a doctor and doing a residential program for a while. it will help with the anxiety about gaining.

Hi. I understand the worry about the what if's of the future but it may not happen your fears. It also no matter what does not take away from what you need to do today. I understand too about past being healthier and depressed. This may happen because you are feeling and not numb. I know this is hard as I have gained a huge amount of needed weight and have been in tears from emotion the past few days and this is after 5 months of gaining. Anyhow I am sitting with the feeling and trying to change life to make things better rather then numb out through the ed. You have exercise issue,purging,and restriction all in your state need to be changed. That means no exercise right now,no purging,and back up to 2500. I know you stated today you are going to do it but am glad that you keep the hospital a possibility.  It can just be about getting stable and some tools to do this outpatient. I hope though you are making progress

Chrissy; You hit the nail on the head. That is my problem - always worrying about the future, always trying to pre plan everything perfectly to ensure everything will "work out right". I guess I need to just..sit back and give up my control on this. I see a doctor weekly for my weigh in and a psychologist fortnightly. I really want to see how the next two weeks go, and if I slip, I will do IP. Thank you for your support!

Abbi; You're right. We were so used to feeling nothing because of the ED, that when we chose to nourish ourselves and work against ED, we actually started feeling again..and feeling quite strong emotions. I remember crying my eyes out at the drop of a hat when I was in recovery in the past. But you put it in such a good way that I'm sort of beginning to understand why I felt like utter crap even when I reached my goal weight. Congratulations on gaining your much needed weight, really that is so inspiring. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and focus on continuing to move forward. =)

On my side, I didn't purge at all today but I didn't reach 2500..I logged it and I reached around 1500-1600, because in the past when increasing straight to 2500 my body rejected the quick leap. A quick question though, do you think I should jump straight to 2500 tomorrow or increase in smaller doses day by day/every few days? Thank you all for your help again!

im so pleased you are seeking help you poor girl dealing with all that. the first thing is dont think about what if , something im guilty of doing , its not helpful it will just call you more worry and send you back into the self destructive cycle again. focus on here and now. what can you you do now today ? the girls have pretty much summed up what you need to do , and if you cant do it be honest with people andtake ip it might just be the kick start you need , you need to get that positive energy balance back . please use the help , this post partically upset me as i had a friend when i was in hospital she was bulimic so trying to get better but still struggling with the purging , i never saw her again she went home on leave, because of her vomiting her pottasium levels got so low her heart stoped beating , they couldnt bring her round. this is hard to hear but reality , being underweight and purging is a death sentence in itself sorry to be hard but imso worried for you please take the help now and use it you cant do it alone h x

I'm sorry for upsetting you and thanks for your support. That's horrible to hear about your friend, and it is exactly the reason I am stopping this once and for all. I simply cannot afford to continue the way I was. That and I want to be able to live my life, I don't want my teeth falling out and damaged, I want to be able to think about things other than food and the way I look and failing myself. It's been almost 2 days now that I've gone purge free. It is such a habit that my body seems to almost ready itself to purge but I haven't.

well done in not doing this that must of been hard but you can do it, just make sure you are eating enough or else you just enter the vicious cycle again , everybody is thinking of you and here for you h x

I am glad you did not purge in 2 days that is great but you can't use that as why not to increase calories. Restricting which in your state 1500-1600 is, is not ok. Did you do an increase? Every body is different on how they increase and like I said you will have edema and feel uncomfotable until your body adjusts. I have done increases 2 ways I went up to 3000 in a week from a very low amount and also did  200 every 2 days increases. Really the end result was the same a better calorie status and to gain. Neither were easy or comfortable.

Hi guys, the 1500-1600 increase was just for the first day I stopped purging..I was worried if I increased higher than that that my body would go into shock or something. Yesterday I increased again, I logged everything at the end of the day and it ended up being 3000ish. I am already feeling the edema, my stomach and legs and face are retaining so much water, but it's totally expected as you've all said so that's calmed me a bit. Today will be the same, no low calorie amounts because I know that I need to replenish my insides as well as gain weight. Abbi you're an inspiration for increasing to 3000 from such a low amount, and pushing through despite the feelings. If you can do it I can do it, right? And Helen thank you so much for your kind words, you too are inspiring...you've made such leaps and will continue to, I know it. Thank you all

hey tina,

i've just been reading this and it sounds like you're doing great. that's so awesome to hear! keep up the good work, and don't let the water mess you up. it'll go away. 

i just wanted to let you know that when i hear "gorgeous," my first thought is one of my best friends named ani. she is 18 years old, 4'10", and has a bmi of about 24. she is reeeally hot, lol, and has the most stunning smile too, which only comes from having an ed-free mind. so don't worry about your future size. you'll be beautiful and feel good. 

much love. 

i know it hard but just stick with it the water weight will go thinking of you h x

Blueberry, that is really great to hear. I don't know where I get that skewed idea from, honestly. It's good to know that isn't reality. =) Also, keep up the great work with your own recovery, I've seen some of your posts on the weight gain forum!

Hi thank you so much for your praise and I am so proud of you for making that jump. I know how uncomfortable all around it is but you can do it. Trust me if I can do it anyone can cause I was a "hopeless" case for a long time. What helped me is to realise it is going to be hard and I am going to feel like crap for awhile but hopefully in the long run it will be better then the years with it. Also one day at a time instead of fearing the what ifs though of course that can be a daily. On a side note and height. You know I am somewhat tall 5 7 and always wanted to be petitie like my mom. I always felt so big being tall I guess. Anyhow what I have learned is we can't change what is meant to be out body or it will make us ill. I am here for anyone too just a pm or email away.

Okay, so it's been 1 week and 2 days since purging. I've upped my intake and I'm getting roughly between 2500-3000 calories daily. And I credit everyone on this thread for helping me, thank you so much for your support. But ever since upping my calories and stopping the purging, I feel like I'm clinging to my exercise as permission to eat more. I am anxious that I'm letting it spiral into an even WORSE obsession. I mean, it's taken 5 years almost to cut out the restricting and purging..the obsessive exercise started last year, so what..will THIS take me another five years to combat?! I know it's as simple as cutting out what I'm doing altogether, but at the same time it's not so simple. I want to cut down to something that's gentle yet still releases the feel good feeling that comes with exercise but does not leave my body feeling tense, my mind exhausted and racing. But my distorted mind has no idea how much to cut down. Argh, two steps forward, one step back.