too young to lose virginity????

Is 16 too young to lose your virginity? My little sister had sex with her boyfriend of a month (same age) a few times and then he broke up with her. I personally think it is, but when she told me her secret (she's 9 years younger than me) I tried the best I could to be supportive yet let her know the consequences of her actions. I just feel so disappointed in her and so helpless in trying to make her understand. I know that she's not me and that everyone is allowed to do as they want....I just wish she had waited. Now she is upset and crying because he broke up with her...I just feel awful. Most of her friends have had sex and its casual. I don't understand that mentality - and I'm sorry if I sound like a prude...but I guess I am. I just want to see what other people think about this. I don't think I am over-reacting. I don't want her to be labeled throughout high school, to become pregnant, to get a STD, or to be hurt.

as a youth worker, i knew very few kids who were virgins beyond 16.  of course, as a youth worker, the kids i tended to meet were probably a little more likely to take risks (not bad kids, mind you, just kids with lives that were not necessarily simple and straight-forward).

i think lots of kids are ready for sex at 16, but none are ready for pregnancy, parenthood, and all the other potential consequences.

as for the heartbreak piece, i've always tried to see teen relationships as training for adult relationships.  she's learning (specifically, she's learning that she can survive this and go on), and she'll be fine .

I don't think you are over-reacting.  I'm thinking most people wouldn't be thrilled about their 16 year old sister/daughter/neice/etc wanting to have casual sex at such a young age.  At 16, most (mind you, I said most and not all) girl's brains simply haven't matured enough to be able to fully grasp what casual sex really entails.  Or the consequences that can come with it.  They end up getting hurt, or losing their first time to some horny teenager who probably won't be sticking around.

peaches, who said it was casual?  just because they're young doesn't mean they don't take it seriously and love each other desperately.

I believe the last time I heard statistics that age 16 was the average age for kids to lose their virginity.

Your sister really needs to know about birth control and STD protection. As far as having her heart broken, that could have and probably would have happened even if she hadn't had sex with her boyfriend.

The first time for having intercourse is a milestone, but doesn't have to be treated as sacred or special. Many people don't enjoy their first time because of nerves and lack of experience.

pg, she said most of her sisters friends are having sex and that it was "casual".

I'm just going off of what the OP said.

that's the thing...these kids do love each other in the way 16 year olds can. You know, saying you love each other and really meaning and knowing what love really is are different things. In my sisters case and I'm sure a lot of kids cases...they say they love you to their boyfriends after a day - and then they break up a few weeks later!

It is a milestone - and I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting. I don't think 16 year olds are mature enough mentally to take on all of the things associated with sex. It's hard....It's my little sister you know. I just want everything to be easy for her and not to grow up so quickly.....

Oh and I meant with the casual statement that having sex is now on the same level as making out...it's kind of just what they do now when they are alone.

Original Post by ameame:

It's hard....It's my little sister you know. I just want everything to be easy for her and not to grow up so quickly.....

unfortunately, "easy" doesn't translate into safe.  she's much better off learning these lessons--and learning that she can survive them--now, while she has a solid safety net and a relatively predictable life.

in regards to teen relationships, i think a lot of us tend to forget how intense they can be.  as adults, a new relationship might consist of a date once or twice a week, maybe a total of ten or twenty hours together over that first month.  teens typically spend many hours together every day.  so--yeah--things happen fast.  i think it's a big mistake to minimize that.

i don't think you are a prude.  But, i do think; that regardless of your views on sex; you should be there for your sister.  I think you should coach her on the dangers of not being careful etc, etc.....And; share some life stories to let her know that she's not alone-  such as an experience you had w/ someone that had ended and what you felt afterwards and what she can expect to feel in the months to come.

What I DO think; and having been there myself; is that young people from the age of 16-18 are very capable of feeling strong and loving feelings towards others.  Youg love/infatuation/newness of relationships plus outside influences do cause teens to have very physical relationships.   

The fact that you want to protect your sister from the world is amazing; and she's lucky to have you looking out for her.  But instead of protecting her from everything; perhaps you can "guide" her through the trials and events that will be shaping her.  And teach her to learn from her lessons and feelings and use those as experiences to make future decisions.  Good Luck!

Original Post by ameame:

Oh and I meant with the casual statement that having sex is now on the same level as making out...it's kind of just what they do now when they are alone.

I don't think this is accurate. I believe the average age for experimenting with sex has been pretty much the same for many many years. 

Original Post by ameame:

It is a milestone - and I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting. I don't think 16 year olds are mature enough mentally to take on all of the things associated with sex. It's hard....It's my little sister you know. I just want everything to be easy for her and not to grow up so quickly.....

 I understand where you are coming from, amea.  I was one of those who waited a few more years than most of my friends. I was 18.  When they talk about how crappy most of their first sexual encounters were (and how they regretted who they allowed to be their first) I keep thinking about how great mine was.   I waited a little bit longer to find someone who was mature enough to care about how my experience was.  He was gentle and loving about it and it was a wonderful first experience for both of us.  I'm just not sure most 16 year old boys know how to be gentle and loving.  It ends up just being awkward. 

Edit:  Of course, this is just my experience.  My own little world in which I live, and the women who I know.  I'm sure others would disagree with my point of view when looking at the....larger picture.  But it is mine and I chose to share it.  Take it or leave it.

It's different for different people. Some people are more mature at 14 than others are at 19. 

I lost mine at 13.  I was also pregnant at 15 and married at 16.  I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant that young, but since I'm still married to the same wonderful guy 29 years later.... it worked out for me. 

Honestly, just be there for your sister. The damage is done. Just try to coach her that next time spend more time with the guy getting to know him rather than making out and letting the hormones go into overdrive. Deff. enforce the use of a condoms. Remember your her big sister too, your looked up to as her best friend, her confidant. You have all her trust dont treat her like you mom would in this scenario.

Peaches - im liek you I told myself I wouldnt have sex till I graduated high school plus all my friends said their first times sucked. My first time was great it didnt really hurt and it wasnt awkward. I dated my b'f for a month or so and decided it was time. I am still with him today after 5 yrs.

I think that sexuality can be hard enough for "adults", that teenagers would be better off if they held back from it.  Not even counting all the things that can come from having sex, like STD's or pregnancy.  And having sex with someone who may or may not be around next year is a risky business.  Being "prudish" my own self, I think there is a great deal to be said for waiting until you are married.  You are both more mature, more comfortable with your own selves, able to act responsibly, and you don't have to worry about comparisons.

That being said, sex at this age is nothing new.  Juliet was 16.  Many girls were married at that age, even 100 years ago.  Of course, today, it is nearly unthinkable, and we treat young men and women as if they are still children at 16, which I think causes a lot of the teen problems we have these days.  They are capable of acting like adults, they have the feelings and desires of adults, but they aren't taught to behave like adults, nor are they expected to, and it creates some of the tension between them and their parents.  This is from research I have read and personal experience.

Your sister needs you right now, and it sounds like you are doing your best to be supportive.  That is the important thing. 

I just recently found out the boy I baby sat since he was 2 (who is now 14) just lost his virginity to his girlfriend of 3 months. He broadcast it, semi-discreetly via myspace. He didn't straight out say it, but being 22 I caught on. I think kids are doing it younger and younger and it is sad in a way. I'm with you ameame, I do not understand that mentality at all. The whole casual sex thing, and I'm an adult.

I will admit I did lose my virginity at 16 to my boyfriend who I was with for about 4 months at that time. I was full heatedly in love with him and we were together for 4 years after that. I also admit I was too young. Yes we stayed together for a long time and it didn't complicate things but in the back of my mind that little voice was saying you are too young. I think the idea of doing that in his parents house and sneaking around trying to get away with it when they were home was what made it seem strange to me. I have only been with 2 men since loosing my virginity, my ex boyfriend of 4 years and my current boyfriend who I've been with for 2 years.

I think we all view sex differently based on personal feelings, influences of others, media and how we were raised. My faimly we never talked about sex. Once you hit the 11th grade it was just assumed you were doing it and no further questions where asked.

Just be there for your sister and let her know you do love her no matter what. My brothers are 9, 8 and 7 years older then I and still to this day, I look up to them for support and advise. You seem like a great big sister and she is lucky to have that support.

but they don't have the brains of adults and that's why they're not adults, though I agree with not treating them like children.

they're not children, but they're not adults.

Research during the past 10 years, powered by technology such as functional magnetic resonance imaging, has revealed that young brains have both fast-growing synapses and sections that remain unconnected. This leaves teens easily influenced by their environment and more prone to impulsive behavior, even without the impact of souped-up hormones and any genetic or family predispositions.

interesting

i agree with the advice above to make sure your sister has complete information about birth control and protection from STDs - and now is a good time to talk to her about how sex can change a relationship and how with teen boys, it often does (hell, it does with most people of any age).  her heart is broken, which is perfectly natural.  as time passes, she'll need to learn how to walk that tightrope between protecting yourself from heartache and being open to love.

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

but they don't have the brains of adults and that's why they're not adults, though I agree with not treating them like children.

they're not children, but they're not adults.

Research during the past 10 years, powered by technology such as functional magnetic resonance imaging, has revealed that young brains have both fast-growing synapses and sections that remain unconnected. This leaves teens easily influenced by their environment and more prone to impulsive behavior, even without the impact of souped-up hormones and any genetic or family predispositions.

this is true, but it's also important to note that adolescence is a very new, socialy-constructed concept.  granted, it's a necessary concept in the world we've created.  but not so long ago (and still, in some cultures), there was childhood and adulthood and nothing in between.  in that historical-anthropological-evolutionary context, 16 is most-definitely adult.

Let's also not forget that if this 16 year old had committed a serious crime almost everyone would say she should be treated as an adult.

So, at 16 a kid isn't old enough for sex or booze, but is old enough to be committed to life in prison. Sounds logical to me. (NOT!)

Original Post by gem86:

Honestly, just be there for your sister. The damage is done. Just try to coach her that next time spend more time with the guy getting to know him rather than making out and letting the hormones go into overdrive. Deff. enforce the use of a condoms. Remember your her big sister too, your looked up to as her best friend, her confidant. You have all her trust dont treat her like you mom would in this scenario.

Exactly. It's difficult to hear some of the things little sisters openly share with us. Sometimes you just have to remember not to react like a judgmental mother/father. She told you for a reason. She trust you and respects your view on the matter. She wanted to be able to share it with you for feedback/support. Give it.

There's nothing you can do to change what's already happened. Therefore: I think you should focus on the future. Too young? Blah.That's debatable/unimportant at this point in my view. Fact: She's too young for the consequences of sex. That's the real concern here not the action. Some people wait to have sex until they're ready for the consequences. She didn't. I would talk with her about all the different consequences sex brings with it. She's already had sex which is something you need to accept unconditionally. The opinion of too young is neither here nor there,imho. It's simply irrelevant since it's already happened.

Future tense: It's her choice. :( Not yours. Too young is irrelevant in that regard as well. It's important to keep disappointment in perspective. Life is made up of choices that we individually have to make in our own best interest. Teenagers are at a disadvantage when they're making these choices. She's a teenager girl.  Consider she's not only to dealing with hormonal changes/changes in social life/and physical changes. You also have to take into account changes within her brain.

The reality is that the damage is already done as you see it.The only way you can  shield her is to give her your knowledge. The choices always come down to the person at hand. In all honestly I sympathize with you in a big way. The best thing you can do is share your knowledge with her as her big sister. Not at her. This is a wonderful time for her physical/emotional/mental development. For you: It's a great to create " windows " to give her insight/teach her. This is a prime time for learning so don't let frustration cause you to react poorly. Dealing with teenagers can be like helping a child with special needs. j/k You have to Watch/Listen to them. Reflect. Then react. I realize this sounds badly but seriously.

How you respond to her will also affect how she learns to deal with her problems. If you become impatient and angry/disappointed in her, her problem may escalate. Things quickly turn into a tragedy, further preventing her from resolving the source of her problem. If you respond to her problem by talking with her/ asking her questions in a soothing/calm voice it will help. Talk about it and discuss how you want to help her deal with it by educating her. Then she will likely listen/learn from the experience. It's important that you remain calm/positive/supportive about the circumstances. That way she can calm down/perk up/remain positive and follow your lead in looking for a solution/knowledge about sex concerns.

There are multiple concerns that you can share with her. There are consequences and heartache is only one of them. Remind her that STD's and Pregnancy are two very different concerns. That you have to protect yourself from both consequences. Not just one. Talk to her about making an appointment with Planned Parenthood too.

This is only a heart fracture if she takes a life lesson from the experience. You can turn it into a heartbreak by reaction. Remember that. The damage is done as far as you're concerned. It may have been something she needed to learn in all actuality. Sometimes the worst case scenarios are actually blessings in disguise. Don't be a downer on your sister it will just destroy her self esteem/worth now & future tense. As well as your relationship if you don't keep your reaction in check. This doesn't have to negatively affect the rest of her life.

btw important FYI:  If you react poorly she'll never tell you anything ever again. ( Nothing like this... anyway. ) The relationship that you have will shift somewhat. :( Even if you aren't aware of the fact it will happen. She didn't have to share this knowledge with you. Remember that. That was a choice on her part to confide in you. I'd make it a good choice: By reacting like a good/understanding/wise/compasionate big sister.  You're better off knowing these things so you can help her. It's great that you can offer her your guidance now. Remember that. Otherwise: Who will she have to go to for support/feedback/insight on her problems? Who will guide her? Comfort her? There's something comforting in knowing my little sisters can/do come to me. :) I wouldn't want it any other way.

This is pretty much my life story. Insert my name for your sister and BAM... my sophmore year of High School all over! The best thing that you can do now is to be supportive, understanding, and strong for her. She probably feels LIKE CRAP right now. Hence all the crying. The utter humiliation, rage, frustration and emptiness after being dumped by the guy you lost your virginity to is on a whole other level then a normal dumping.  

The one way that you can help her is to take her to a OB/GYN and get a full spectrum STD screen. The last thing she needs is to contract some disease. I'd do that as soon as possible.

She probably already knows that you dissaprove of her actions. That adds to the feeling of humiliation and dispare. I'd talk to her like my sis ( 7 years older) did to me. She only mentioned once that it wasn't a very good idea, that I should have thought it through, and that was it. After that 10 minute, very gentle but honest conversation she just let me cry and rage.