"You're losing too much!" and Other Charming Comments

This is a subject I've been batting around for a while and wanted to send it y'all's way. I'd love y'all to take a look:

You lost weight. Now what? | Food Fights: Carla Marie vs. "But it won't last, right? You know that."

A key question in post-weight life: After you've succeeded at something, and you cherish the wonderful things that have come from it, how do you deal with others criticizing the life you've built for yourself? Are they making their issues your issues? Or are you making your issues their issues? It's a complex question, one with no easy answers.

Do you let the comments after your weight loss upset you at best or sabotage your progress at worst? How do you deal with them?

We have articles throughout the next two weeks picking these questions apart - we'll hear from a number of other weight loss success stories dealing with the unglamorous elements of weight loss, some excellent experts that give practical advice on how to deal with it. (Seriously, it's no-BS advice, like "hug yourself three times a day." It's a bit more practical.)

But beyond that, this is a subject near and dear to me because it's so complicated and speaks to something that can hurt. But there's a lot of learning that can come from talking about it.

For me, stories like Carla Marie's remind me of what gets overlooked so often in the process -- you get a glimpse of how extraordinary you can be, how extraordinary your support system can be. And that's a gift. And yet also how cheap and petty people behave as well.

It's a bittersweet irony that the comments you can/do deal with pre-weight can still rear their ugly head post-weight.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Best,

Russ Lane

I have got this comment several times although I am still looking to lose 20 lbs.  I am a 62 year old male 5'9 172 lbs, and I have lost 40 lbs so far this year.

Yep, I've dealt with this myself ... this is something that crosses gender lines pretty reliably.

There's the "healthy weight" diagrams and I saw were telling me one thing, and my body was telling me another. After going back and forth and struggling with whether I should lose more or not, lord knows I got opinions of everyone around me, in both the "yay" or "nay" categories.

Finally I just trusted myself. I worked with a number of personal trainers over the years, and that gave me a sense of when I'm pushing too hard or too little. Otherwise, I keep one or two folks whose opinions I trust, and I let the others slide past.

I just journaled about this the other day, the only journal I've entered in my account, I had to let it out.  I went through something like that a few weeks ago when a few of my friends invited me on a road trip to Vegas.  I was already preparing myself for "indulgence" but to my surprise and because of the comments made to me by my friends, i remained headstrong and opted for healthier and better choices when it came to food.  I remember at our first stop on our way there and not finding much of a choice, i opted for a garden salad...and the first comment made to me at the beginning of this trip was "that better be the last salad you eat on this trip"...that set the tone for the whole trip for me.  I was watched at every meal to see what "lunatic" order I would place...it made my trip not as enjoyable as it could have been had i not been forced to place so much importance on my food.  I wish i could have said something smart back, but I'm not one to judge them and so i left it alone.  Why can't my friends be more supportive of my journey (I'm 5'10", started at a whopping 286 lbs. and down now to 216!) and loosing!

Crap!! I haven't had anyone say that to me yet. I must be doing something wrong.

marynoelia...

I think that while you're losing weight, there comes a shift in how you regard food. It stops being so much something you taste, a way to celebrate, a way to relax, a way to reward yourself, and becomes more of what it's meant to be-fuel. That means that we will eat a salad even when there is tastier items on the menu because we see it differently. Now, that's not to say we never indulge, but when we do, it's deliberate and more appreciated.

I'm guessing your friends have their own issues with food. 

It's funny: this whole process taught me I didn't even like food before. I just used it to tune out. I'm far more of a foodie now, but selective. Foie gras just bores me, but I'm always impressed when people apply gourmet techniques to health food thoughtfully.

No, that's a good thing you don't get those comments, honestly. Particularly from those who you care about, it can feel like a punch in the gut at worst.

The weirdest thing to me is having folks decry your weight loss, only to tell you how great you look 10 pounds less. *Shrugs*

Thanks for the comments!

Best,

Russ

Second Helping

My mom tries to (what I think at least...) sabotage me. She's told me that I'm getting too thin, that I'm going to be sick and unhealthy, that I'm going to have a stroke, and that I'm going to gain double of what I lost. Wow, thanks for the support. I've lost about 25-28 pounds.

I got that comment from my wife, but after thinking about it seriously, and talking to some other people I trust, I had to write it off to insecurity or jealousy.  So we've reached an unspoken agreement now... I don't tell her how much I weigh, and she won't tell me I've lost too much. :)  We're both happier with that.  Nobody outside of my wife has said I've lost too much weight, and everyone who knows how much I've lost has been surprised by the amount.  I guess I carried my weight well before.

I also went through an interesting vacation with family while trying to lose weight.  In some ways, I feel like I put a damper on other people's enjoyment of eating out, but I figured "screw them... They're grown-ups and can eat whatever they like."  I ate healthy sensible meals that I still enjoyed.  The hardest part was finding something semi-healthy to eat at Disney.  And I did get mocked at least a bit for doing that.  Whatever, I could take it. :)  I ended up coming back 5 pounds lighter at the end of my holidays, and I had just as much fun as they did.

Clint

LOL, Clint, Success is it's own revenge!

My dh was very discouraging when I first started all of this. Admittedly, it was insecurity. Now, he's started trying to lose weight also. My issue is having to stand back and not micro-manage him. I'm careful to only say positive things.

Weight loss is a lonely venture. No one really knows your personal struggles and how even the smallest things people say can possibly derail you. You have to really build your armor.

Well, I was lucky.  I had one very supportive friend who got me started, and gave me lots of good advice.  And she's been through her own weight loss struggles, so she understands what it's like.  So I had someone to talk to when I needed it.

My wife always says that she's trying to lose weight, and trying different diets... I've told her what worked for me, and said that I'm there to help if she likes.  My friend has also offered to help build menu plans, etc.  But if people don't want to actually make the effort to lose, there's not much you can do about it.  That's great that you're making sure to stay positive for him!  That's got to help him out.

I'm also lucky, I think, because I didn't start on my lifestyle changes because I wanted to lose weight.  To be honest, I didn't think I was really overweight.  Well, my Mii on my Wii said I was, but whatever... I can ignore a video game. :)  But I just wanted to get in better shape, to go out hiking with my kids and stuff.  The weight loss was secondary at first.  Even now, it's mostly secondary with running and other activities coming first.  So it really wouldn't bother me too much if I hit a plateau any time.

It's funny you mention your husband starting to lose weight as well... Since I started my changes, I had one of my co-workers join me for a triathlon, my boss has started running again, and my neighbor has dusted off his shoes and running books apparently, even though he's not ready to start running yet.  It's strange the influence that we can have in other people's lives, even if we're not "pushing" a lifestyle change on them.  Heck, even my kids are asking questions about healthy eating, which is great! :)

Clint

"But if people don't want to actually make the effort to lose, there's not much you can do about it."

That is definitely the truth.  The same can be said for getting someone to quit smoking, drinking, gambling, etc.

Yup, count me as someone who used to be on the other side of that fence. It had to come from within me. Now that I've gotten here and feel so good about what I've accomplished I go "Geez, why did I wait so long?"

Hey there,

Thanks for all the replies!

There's the other side of the fense in terms of hte comments, too: things you say to other people that haven't lost weight, which is where it gets real interesting.

Great article.

I prepared myself for this early on, becuase I had a lot of evil comments the first time I lost, and I think I allowed some of them to control my subconscious. Like the guy I was seeing who told me (I was 5'5'' and 135) that if I ate more and worked out less, I might get a more voluptous shape. Last time we talked. Or the other one that told me not to loose anymore cause I was no longer sexy (he is still fat but trying to loose now). As soon as I got fat though, those people were right there to point it out. I was like dang, I have a lot of admirers, right? I don't watch peoples weight that close. They must think I am amazing!

A lady I worked with told me not to loose anymore, but I could care less. I don't like her body size or shape...or eating habits. She should be asking me for advice, not the other way around. I just smile at people and tell them that I am aware of what healthy is, and am mature enough to reach it in a reasonable fashion. And that if they ever want advice they know where to find me. I don't force my journey on others.

Thanks! You rock, Cello.

One interesting thing about this process is you have the following:

Diet

Exercise

Dealing with others reaction of your body transition and how you're changing the various areas of your life.

Dealing with your own body transition and etc. etc. etc.

Dealing with setbacks, relapses and perceived failures with your weight.

Depending on how you lose your weight, different things will show up at different times. The most successful at weight management tend to have all these different elements addressed, but the order in which they learn them changes. It really fascinates me. Cello, your story really reminded me of this.

I once told my trainer that losing the weight has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  It wasn't because the process, that came pretty easy because of my decision to do it and not "try it" and the unwavering support of the best trainer ever.  The hard thing was dealing with everybody around me.  My husband was not supportive at all and was very irritated at my new choices and habits (weighing food, food journal, not drinking....), the neighbors were "talking about me", and my father in law told me I looked sick.  I shed many tears.  I couldn't believe that people so close to me couldn't see how happy I was.  Friends that knew me way back before I had kids thought I looked  great because they remembered me looking like this in the past.  Nobody at this stage of my life has ever seen me like this.  I am a healthy weight and BMI.  I even had a physical and had all of my blood work done to prove to people that what I am doing is called being healthy.  People think that because I don't give in to the eating habits of our country, I have a problem.  Really, because I think my father in law having three healpings of dessert is a bigger problem than what I am doing.  This journey has been  a tough one, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I decided early on that I would just stay the course, not let anybody influence my decisions, and hopefully, along the way, I could inspire somebody else to make the changes I have made.  It has been 8 months since the change in lifestyle and I can say that people are laying off and accepting the new me, even my husband (most the time).  I am figuring that this time next year, this will all be a memory and I will be known as the friend, wife, and daughter again.  Just one that is incredibly fit and healthy :)

I'm 8 months into it now and 40 lbs down. I get mostly positive comments now from my husband, but he really was discouraging at first. I mean, his opinion really matters to me, so that really hurt. I'm so glad now that I dug in and did it for myself, for reasons unrelated to his opinions. Like I said, he's come around, but, still...

I guess that's why you have to have deeply personal reasons to do this and stick with it. For me, it's longevity-looking and feeling great is secondary. I have a special needs son that I want to be able to care for as long as possible. I feel like being healthy is the best insurance I can have.

I also have a theory of why we hear so much criticism: People want to corrupt your efforts to justify their own inattention to their health. We make them look bad-HA!!

When I first started this journey in January my dad was on board and it was great because we were celebrating each other's victories and every pound earned a high five and a great big hug. But.......he fell off the wagon as we all well understand.

The difficulty I'm facing now is not having a weight loss buddy and I sense that my continued accomplishment is making him feel even worse about himself.

Since we're talking about comments and support, he's still being encouraging of me and even offered to buy me some "interim" clothes on my way to getting smaller. (what a sweetie pie, huh?  )

Well I'm sharing this because I realized that I could instead be a source of inspiration by just maintaining what I've lost and I don't have to say a word. 

People who make snide remarks to another and don't support you while you're trying so hard are not great company but unfortunately food is such a social part of our American lifestyle. Got a birthday? let's go eat! You got straight A's at school? Let's get ice cream! People don't feel like you've celebrated with them if you haven't indulged. It's a little psychotic, no?

Food is tricky because it's an addiction that we have to continue to flirt with throughout our lives; we can't just stop it cold turkey like say someone who struggles with alcohol or substance abuse.

So to naysayers, I say, smile and love them through their ignorance and keep up the great work!

To be honest I have had mainly positive comments about my weight loss (3 stone in total) but a couple of people have told me I was getting too thin including my Mother and a work colleague who deliberately made me feel uncomfortable. I'm not too thin, I'm 5ft 6" and 133lbs which yes is slim but certainly not skinny and I still have the odd "fat" day and wonder if I should aim for 9 stone which is what I weighed in my younger days but I don't think it would suit me so much now I'm older.

I honestly think those people just got used to seeing me chubby and found it a shock to see me much slimmer.  I had always been naturally very slim in my teens to early 20's (From 8 stone to 9 stone max) but got a bit too plump in the last few years of my late 20's due to sitting in front of the TV with my partner and eating too many takeaways so it gradually crept on. Well I don't touch takeaways now and watch the calories and I feel like a totally different person as I am far more confident in my own skin :)

Here's one for you! I had lost 40 of the 46 pounds I had set out to lose about 10 years ago.  I was exercising (probably too much) and eating right.  One day my sister-in-law tells me "Chris (her husband) and I think you look like you're sick, like a cancer patient".  Thanks!  That's exactly the look I was going for! 
It crushed me!  I'm sad to say that I was so weak minded that I let it effect me so negatively that I almost immediately began gaining weight.  My mother had just passed away from cancer about 3 months before that. 
I am back on my journey again.  Here's to us all!  By the way - You all look great! ;-)

I've lost 75 pounds this year, added significant muscle, and look ten years younger.  I've been humble, quite about it, and only offered help when and where sought.  Despite this my mom and others in my generally overweight family are and have been harboring deep resentment towards me.  I've heard all versions of too thin (even when I was still very much in the obese range), don't loose any more etc..  I was even told by mom that if I did get really sick I would need to be heavier to survive a long hospital stay (Uhh Thanks Docter crazy!)  There is no doubt that the negativity is more cutting when it comes from those you love.  I've generally just let this all go but recently they have started to shut me out of their lives.  I know from my experience quitting smoking many years back that people resent you when you do things that they have convienced themselves is impossible.  My boss, who has been very supportive, even said "at some point People are going to start hating you if you keep improving".   I guess he was right I just didn't think it would be family members.  Anyway this is their issue not mine.  The primary thing is for me to be around for my wife and kid and provide a positive role model for the later.  thanks for bringing up this subject.